1. They’re growing 

Sometimes we underestimate just how much food our kids need to fuel their growing bodies. Your kiddo will go through several growth spurts during their childhood and adolescence—the major one occurring between 8 to 13 years in girls and 10 to 15 years in boys—and sometimes they just need more fuel to keep up. Especially if you’ve got a tween or teenager, puberty can hit like a ton of bricks, turning them into reckless kitchen raiders in search of all the grub. You’ll start noticing them growing out of their clothing or shoes, voice changes, hair growth, emotional changes (mood swings! eye-rolling!), and maybe they’re sleeping past noon whenever they get the chance.

While toddler growth spurts aren’t as drastic as the one during puberty, your tot may have a few mini periods of growth between ages 1 and 3. There may be times when they ask for seconds at dinner (hooray!), sleep for longer stretches, or complain that their legs hurt (growing pains). 

The solve:

• Serve foods high in calories: Think beef, eggs, cheese, avocado, and peanut butter. 
• Cut out those light, airy snacks that don’t have too many calories per serving, like popcorn and puffs. Instead, offer calorie-dense foods like granola, protein bars, trail mix, beef jerky, or peanut butter sandwiches.
• Add calorie boosters to their food: Olive oil, avocado oil, coconut oil, melted butter, and nut butter can also be easily swirled into their yogurt and oatmeal or slathered on toast.
• Reduce distractions at mealtime: When your kiddo is preoccupied with the TV, phone, or other electronics it may divert their attention away from their food.

2. They’re not eating the right foods

Your kiddo may be eating more frequently because the food they’re munching on isn’t actually filling them up, so instead of feeling satisfied after a meal or snack, they’re hungry again 20 minutes later. Plus, they may be snacking on foods that spike their blood sugar (candy, juice, cookies!), which means they’re hungry again soon after.

The solve:

• Offer foods loaded with protein and fat, which will keep them energized and full, and keep their blood sugar in check. Foods high in protein include chicken, beef, fish, Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, and chickpea pasta. Fatty foods include cheese, nuts and nut butter, seeds, avocado, and butter. 
• Include fiber-rich ingredients, which will keep your kids full between meals. Think of fiber-rich foods as the hearty stuff like quinoa, rolled oats, brown rice, or whole-wheat tortillas. A quick tip when grocery shopping—always look for the word “whole” before the grain on the ingredient list. If it says “wheat” or “enriched wheat,” that’s not what you want.
• When offering treats and desserts that can spike your kiddo’s blood sugar, pair them with protein and fat to keep them full and keep their blood sugar in check. For example, give their bowl of ice cream a nutritional boost by mixing some chia seeds or flaxseeds in with their rainbow sprinkles, or swirling in some peanut or almond butter.

3. They’re grazing 

If your kid can freely raid the snack drawer or if you don’t have set times for meals and snacks, chances are they’re probably grazing throughout the day. In doing so, they’re coming to meals less hungry and eating less of the foods that matter more. As a result, they’re filling up on flimsier snacks and not getting enough food to fill their belly. Over time, constantly snacking can mess with their ability to tell when they’re genuinely hungry or full, making them rely on external cues (like convenience or boredom) over their hunger signals.  

The solve:

• Establish regular meal and snack times to make it easier for kids to know when it’s time to eat. Toddlers and young kids haven’t quite mastered the ability to judge for themselves.
• Store snacks out of reach of little kids so they can’t grab them whenever they want. 
• Have an open conversation with tweens and teens, because with bigger kids it’s less about setting strict boundaries. Explain why grazing isn’t the best idea to help put things into perspective so that when they open the snack drawer, they’re actually hungry.

4. They’re bored or stuck in a routine

Kids may turn to food when they’re bored because, well, it’s something to do. Over time this can turn into a bad habit, and they may snack on foods when they’re not actually hungry. Other kids are used to snacking at specific times, like in the car on the way to soccer practice or when they get home from school. They may nibble on something simply because it’s “snack time,” a part of their routine, and not because they are genuinely hungry. Breaking the association between a specific time, habit, or external cue and eating could be the first step toward putting an end to this type of snacking.

The solve:

• Offer planned meals or snacks, every two to three hours. According to the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, kids should receive three meals and about 1 to 2 snacks per day. In a twelve-hour period, that means a meal or snack every two to three hours. 
• Limit eating to designated locations such as the kitchen or dining room. This way, eating in the car, on the couch, or in their bedroom is off-limits. Plus, it’s one step closer to disassociating food from boredom.
• Keep food out of sight, tucked away in drawers or the pantry. Sometimes kids will ask for a snack simply because it’s in their line of vision.

If you get to the bottom of why your kid is always hungry, you’ll be able to help them find a routine that works. Lucky for you, you may also be pleasantly surprised by fewer trips to the grocery shopping and fewer hangry children demanding snacks. 

Just as a heads up, if your kiddo’s appetite suddenly swings in either direction, it could indicate an underlying medical condition, so be sure to consult their pediatrician to see what’s up. 

“Researchers found that if you implement this one small thing in your child’s life, they’re more likely to be happy as adults, they have more empathy towards other people, and they’re more successful in their careers,” Williams, who is also a father of five, explained. “Having your children do chores gives them a sense of self-worth, and it helps them to realize that they’re contributing to a larger ecosystem. They become more selfless. They become more willing and able to see the needs of other people around them. Chores also strengthen family bonds with siblings and with parents, and chores help to instill a better work ethic, which translates pretty well into school and career success.”

@tiktokkiddoc

The best way to raise healthy happy successful kids. #momsoftiktok #utahmom #firsttimemom #healthykids #happykids #thrivingkids #howtoraiseakid

♬ Love Of My Life – Metrow Ar

The study that Dr. Williams refers to is an oft-cited one. Researchers from Harvard followed a group of men starting in the 1930s—one-third are Harvard graduates and two-thirds are inner-city youths from Boston—to try to determine psychosocial aspects of their childhood that could predict success and well-being later in life. One of the connections the researchers found was that kids who did chores at home tended to stay out of trouble and get onto better developmental paths. Researchers hypothesized it was because doing chores helped the kids feel a sense of community—that they were pitching in, their participation mattered, and they were responsible for more than just themselves.

It’s important to note that the Harvard study only followed men, so take that as you will. But does that mean you shouldn’t give your kids chores? Of course not! Learning to help out around the house is great for kids, regardless of their age or gender.

This time of day is a transition between school and after-school hours, and kids need to ease into it, explained Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta in a recent TikTok. She also offers alternatives to the “How was your day?” questions that might have better success after you’re done with school pickup.

@drchelsey_parenting

♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta

First off, you can offer them a snack that you brought for them from home. This shows that you were thinking of them and takes the pressure off the situation. You can ask them if they’d like to listen to Taylor Swift or classical music (or whatever their favorite genre of music might be). Maybe you’d want to share something about your day to model the sharing behavior you’d like to see from them. This could be something like, “I had a really dicey meeting today,” and then you’d explain what happened. And lastly, you could just be quiet. Think about how you feel when you walk in the door after a particularly hectic day. Silence is often what you are looking for.

This behavior often changes as your kids get older. You might be shocked when your never-stops-talking kid turns into a quiet, sullen tween. But sometimes creating a safe space for them to share what they want when they want is all you need to do to get some tidbits of information about their day.

Age-Appropriate Chores for Ages 2-3

Pick up the toys. Ask your toddler to help clean up when playtime is over, instead of doing it at the end of the day when you’d rather be watching Netflix instead of cleaning up DUPLO blocks.

Wipe up small spills. This is an easy one and is especially important if they are the ones that made the mess. Don't make a big deal, just let them know they need to clean up after themselves.

Put shoes away. A toddler can easily put his shoes away, especially if there's a special bin or shelf for footwear.

Put dirty clothes in the hamper. Show your little one where clothes go before he chooses his own drop spot.

Match socks. An easy way to let someone else worry about why there's always one sock missing.

Throw away trash. Kids can start putting trash in its proper place at an early age. 

Pick up sticks in the yard. What's more fun than collecting sticks?

Sort the groceries. Preschool-aged kids can help you put away things like cereal, snacks, canned goods, and other things that aren't too heavy or breakable. 

Chore List for Kids Ages 4-5

All of the chores listed above. 

Put away clean utensils. It’s the little things!

Brush their own teeth. This is an easy self-care chore that any preschooler can tackle.

Fold washcloths or napkins. Something small and square is the perfect first item to have your pre-k kid learn how to fold.

Make their own bed. This is a tough one because busy school mornings can get in the way. Weekends are wide open, however, and there’s nothing like a made bed to give your home a clean, fresh feeling.

Collect the mail. This one doesn't even feel like a chore.

Bring their belongings in from the car. Whether it's their toys or backpack, four-and five-year-olds are old enough to make sure everything gets inside at the end of the day. 

Related: 11 Reasons Why Chores Make Kids More Successful (According to Studies)

Age-Appropriate Chores for Kids Ages 6-7

All of the chores listed above.

Help prep a basic meal. If kids with knives don't sound like a good idea, there are plenty of other things they can do. Think: gather ingredients, measure spices, crack and whisk eggs, grate some cheese, flip pancakes, and more.

Wipe down surfaces. Kids this age are perfectly capable of spraying, wiping, and cleaning down a surface. Especially if they are the ones that made the mess in the first place.

Take control of their school gear. Stop gathering your kids’ stuff every night or morning. These early years are the right time to set up good work habits.

Water the plants. This is a great chore to help develop organizational skills. Have your kid schedule a once-a-week date with a watering can on the calendar.

Help carry in groceries. Unless you're using the multiple trips to and from the car as your cardio for the day.

Set and clear the table. You prepared the meal, so your kids should help to set and clear the plates. Simple as that. 

Put away laundry. Imagine a place where the laundry gets put away instead of collecting dust in a basket somewhere. It can be a reality, we promise!

Feed pets. Your grade-school-aged kid loves the dog, the chickens, and the family turtle. Well, no time like the present to teach him how to take care of something smaller than he is. 

Chore List for Kids Ages 8-10

All of the chores listed above. 

Basic home maintenance. At around 10, kids can begin to do small tasks around the house that helps with upkeep like putting in new lightbulbs, changing batteries, and hanging small pictures. 

Load and unload the dishwasher. Most days, after unloading, the thing fills right back up and needs to be unloaded again. Your early tween is an ideal candidate for helping out with this daily task.

Help with recycling and garbage. Older kids can sort recyclables, empty wastebaskets, and help pull trash cans in from the road. It’s also a good way for them to learn about consumption and to see where waste goes.  

Vacuum the rugs. The best part about handing off this task is that your kids will have to keep their rooms picked up in order to fulfill their duty.

Dust shelves, blinds, and furniture. A Swiffer duster makes this chore a breeze. 

Clean the mirrors in the bathrooms. Older kids are strong enough, and usually tall enough to reach the top of the mirror by now. Pass the Windex.

Move clothes from the washer to the dryer. Most kids ages eight and up are tall enough (and old enough) to start helping with the laundry. If there are items you don't want in the dryer or if you like to use a certain heat setting, be sure to show the kids the ropes in advance.

Related: Parents Hatch Genius Plot to Catch Their Kids Skipping Chores

Age-Appropriate Chores for Kids Ages 10-12

All of the chores listed above. 

Walk the dog. Take pet care to the next level by asking your tween to take on giving Fido his daily workout. 

Help with grocery shopping. Give your big kid his own list at the store, and arrange to meet up at the checkout. You'll cut your shopping time in half!

Vacuum out the car. She's already tackled vacuuming the living room and her bedroom. Add on the family car once a month or every other week. 

Babysit for siblings or relatives in small increments. Whether it's to take charge at a social or family gathering or leave your tween in charge for 30 minutes while you run a quick errand, this is a good age to test the waters for child care. 

Rake leaves. Before you can mow the grass, the leaves need to be raked. Tweens can handle this, plus it's a great way to keep them outside and off tablets. 

Change their own bedsheets (and keep the bed made). This is a chore that only takes a few minutes, but it's a game changer when it comes to feeling like you're on top of the mess. 

As parents, we hope we’ve instilled strong values and resilience in our children so they’re always able to make good decisions. But how can we be sure they’ll do the right thing, especially when we’re not around? While there’s no magic formula, here are 10 tips to help your kid make smart decisions—even when you’re not there.

1. Start conversations about smart decision-making early.

The earlier parents initiate conversations about how to make good decisions with their kids, the better. Explaining to your child what it means to make a good decision and why it’s important can set them up for future success. Kevin Zoromski, a psychologist and early childhood development expert says, “Give children choices as part of their day and as part of their typical routine. They will look forward to having some say over what they get to do in the household and you will establish their sense of responsibility as important decision-makers.”

2. Role-model smart decision-making behaviors.

Kids learn through observation and patterning the behaviors of people in their lives, especially their parents. Modeling good decision-making behavior will help reinforce your life lessons. Show your kid that you are honest, responsible, and accountable for your choices. “You are your child’s first and most important role model,” said mental health expert Ketsupa Jirakarn. “[Kids] are always observing and learning from you every day—even when you are unaware of it. So, make sure you practice what you preach.”

3. Set clear expectations and boundaries.

Let your kids know what you expect from them in terms of making smart decisions. For older kids, this could include things like always telling you where they are going, not using illicit substances like drugs and alcohol, and staying away from dangerous situations. “Children are more likely to accept the limits you set and are more likely to want to meet your expectations (i.e., be responsible) when you provide a warm, caring, and supportive relationship that underlies the discipline you impose,” according to a report from The Center for Parenting Education.

4. Practice makes perfect.

Give your child opportunities to practice smart decision-making. This could involve giving them small choices, such as what to wear to school or what to eat for dinner. It also could involve giving them bigger choices, such as whether to join a sports team or what to do with their allowance. By empowering your child to learn about the consequences of their choices through smaller actions, they will feel more empowered when making bigger decisions on their own.

Related: 8 Things Kids Need to Do By Themselves Before They’re 13

5. Let them learn from their mistakes.

When your kid makes a mistake, don’t immediately swoop in to fix the problem or resort immediately to punishment. Help them understand why a misstep was a consequence of not making the best decision, and then talk about how they can make a better choice next time. According to a report from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, “Reframing mistakes as opportunities from which we can learn—rather than failures alone—can help us feel like we are capable and in control. Reframing can also help us handle future mistakes more effectively.”

6. Develop their critical thinking skills.

Learning how to think critically and independently requires self-awareness (i.e., knowing strengths, weaknesses, and values) as well as problem-solving skills. Encouraging your child to think through a decision and come up with a solution can further nurture and develop their critical thinking skills. “In childhood and adolescence, the body goes through many physical changes, but there are also many changes in how we think, feel, and behave, and in our motivations,” according to a report from Frontiers for Young Minds. It’s through repeated trial and error that kids develop the necessary skills to thrive into adulthood.

7. Help them understand risks.

Some decisions have few consequences, while other decisions are highly consequential. Teaching your child the difference between big and small choices, and understanding the risks associated with some decisions will mitigate the chances of bad outcomes. For example, teach young kids about the risks of eating too much junk food or overdoing it with screen time, and teach older kids about the risks of cyberbullying and underage drinking.

8. Nurture emotional intelligence.

Talk to your child about the choices they’re facing and help them understand the different options and the potential consequences of each choice. Teaching them how to evaluate information, identify biases, and make informed decisions as well as helping your child understand and manage their emotions and how to make decisions that are in line with their values will serve them well. “Emotional literacy starts at birth when babies can just bond with [their parents] and connect on just that level. And it continues to evolve,” said Dr. Michele Borba, parenting expert and author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing.

9. Be supportive and consistent.

As parents, being supportive and consistent with our reactions to our children’s choices will help ensure they make smart ones, even when we’re not present. If you sometimes let your child get away with making a bad decision, they will be less likely to take you seriously when you expect them to make good choices without you. Additionally, when your kid makes a good decision, be sure to praise and validate them. “Youth who experience more positive interactions with parents are better adjusted. Indeed, consistency in parenting—primarily consistency in discipline—has been linked to more positive youth outcomes,” according to a report from the National Institutes of Health.

10. Practice patience and understanding.

It takes time for kids to learn how to make smart decisions. Don’t get discouraged if they don’t always and immediately make the right choices. Even when your kids are old enough to make decisions themselves, they still need your patience and understanding. Be there to talk to them, offer advice, and help them deal with the consequences of their decisions.

In a recent TikTok, Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta, co-founder of Positive Parenthood, breaks down four responses that can help diffuse a public meltdown without threats, bribes, or completely shutting a child down—and each one is catered to a different type of kid.

@drchelsey_parenting

Replying to @Sonder

♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta

Hauge-Zavaleta prefaces the four responses with a disclaimer: If your child starts saying things like “I don’t want to be here.” “I am so bored.” “I want to go home!” you need to take them to the edge of whatever public place you’re in to separate them from all the excitement and other people. Your child will be able to hear you, and you’ll have created a better opportunity to get through to them. “The edge of the grocery store, the edge of the park, somewhere private,” she says.

Then she wants you to say and do one of these four things, based on the kind of child you have:

1. If you have a kid who gets “hangry” often.

If you’ve got a kiddo who plays hard and, like clockwork, starts to lose it if they haven’t had a snack by a certain point, this is what Hauge-Zavaleta recommends: “Sit down and silently start peeling an orange or a banana, any food you have on hand. Don’t use words on this kid. Do not ask if they want the food. Just hand them the peeled orange or whatever food you’ve got, and model good breathing.”

2. If your kid struggles with sensory overload.

Public spaces are filled with noise, lights, smells—the works. According to Hauge-Zavaleta, the first thing you need to do for a kid struggling with overload is to make the environment easier to manage: give them a pair of headphones, turn off the lights, etc. Then she says to use a soft, melodic voice to speak with your child and remind yourself they aren’t behaving this way to stress you out. The environment is just too much.

Related: This One-Word Switch Prevents Kid Meltdowns When Leaving Somewhere Fun

3. If your kid is all about “fairness.”

To some kids, it’s the world against them, and nothing is “fair.” If this is your kiddo, Hauge-Zavaleta recommends using three “yes” statements to validate your child’s feelings without catering to their requests. For example, “You really didn’t want to come here today.” “This sucks, and you are counting the minutes till we get home.” “You hate it here and can’t believe mama brought you.”

Hauge-Zavaleta explains, “This is not to fix the problem. This is just to get your child back into a state of regulation. If you get their perspective wrong, you’re absolutely going to know and then you need to try again. You cannot force these kinds of children to have a delightful time just because you’re having a delightful time, and you need to recognize that it’s okay to be unhappy about whatever family event you’re at.”

She reminds us that parents should use a soft, positive voice, and try to understand that their child’s perspective on the event or situation will be different than their own.

4. If your kid loves a routine and has a hard time with change.

So you’ve got a Type-A child who thrives in knowing what comes next. That’s great for many reasons, but in big public settings, this type of child can be thrown way off if things change without warning or too much is happening. Here’s what Hauge-Zavaleta recommends: Don’t label their feelings. Don’t tell them they’re just being shy or they need to learn how to go with the flow. Simply ask questions and be curious about your kids’ state of mind so they can tell you how they’re feeling, not the other way around.

If they’re using loud language, do not respond to it. Instead, use a soft and whispering voice to help them move on to the next step. She says visuals can be useful as well. Draw a picture of what is happening first, and then what is happening next.

These responses are effective if you’ve done the legwork before even leaving the house. As Hauge-Zavaleta explains, “It’s about realizing what kind of support your child needs at the moment. It’s also about changing your mindset from ‘they’re throwing a meltdown because they don’t want to be here’ to ‘they’re throwing a meltdown, and I’m the one who can help them get out of it.’”

Related: 5 Easy Sensory Activities That Help Prevent Meltdowns & Tantrums

Do these responses mean your child gets their way and you leave the event or gathering? Not at all. As parents, we can have boundaries, but we also need to answer our kids’ call for help when they’re melting down in public—and catering our response to their needs makes the process a whole lot easier.

“It’s such an important question,” says Claire Lerner, a therapist and parenting expert in the Washington, DC, area. “Knowing how to respond in the most sensitive and effective way is totally dependent on understanding what the child is actually communicating.”

In these moments, kids rarely mean exactly what they say, says Lerner, so parents need to figure out what’s actually going on. After three decades working with families, here are her best tips to help you decode your kiddo’s negative self-talk and build up their confidence.

Put on your listening ears

When your kid starts beating themselves up about making mistakes on a math test or missing a goal at their soccer game, it’s tempting to argue with them about how great they are.

“What you want to say is, ‘Oh my God, but you got three goals! You’re amazing. You’re the best!’ but that’s not where their head is,” says Lerner. In the heat of the moment, your kiddo isn’t open to learning and will feel like you’re arguing with their feelings, not their logic.

Related: 7 Things Not to Say (Or Do) to a Pissed-Off Kid

“First, you have to totally lean in and ask them how it felt,” she says. “Don’t judge, don’t correct, and don’t school them.” You can respond by saying, ‘Wow, those are big feelings,’ to let them know that they aren’t alone and that you aren’t uncomfortable with their negative emotions.

Help your kid reflect

Once you’ve validated their experience, you can start to subtly challenge their irrational thinking. But first, always ask your kid if they’re OK with you sharing what you noticed. If they agree, offer your perspective on the situation.

In the soccer example, say something like, ‘I saw a kid who was working unbelievably hard and never gave up. I also saw a team player who knew when to pass the ball so someone else could score.’

Related: The Only 2 Things to Say to Your Kid After a Game

In another instance, a first-grader might be down on themselves about their messy writing. You could say something like, ‘You know, I’ve been working on my handwriting for over 30 years. That’s 29 more years of practice than you. Learning anything new means making a lot of mistakes.”

If they’re worked up about something they can’t change, like their height or the fact that they have ADHD, explain to them that these features don’t define them.

Assess what they need

For some kids, all that’s needed is a listening ear and a hug, but others need a bit more.

The kid who thinks they’re a soccer failure might need some help seeing the bigger picture. It’s so hard for them to understand that we all fail sometimes, even if we’re good at something; they just don’t have the life experience. In this case, you could flip on YouTube and show your kiddo some videos of professional players missing goals, or share a story from your childhood when you didn’t play as well as you’d hoped.

But if you’re turning off the lights after a two-hour bedtime routine and your kid blurts out, “No one loves me,” you’ll probably respond very differently. “Sometimes a child will use negative self-talk because you’re setting a limit they don’t like,” says Lerner. “Kids are incredibly clever and, even by the age of three, they’ve sussed out relationships and what triggers you and might get you to change your mind.”

In this case, your kid may be angling to stay up later and knows how to keep you talking. On the other hand, if you’ve just welcomed a new baby and your child is struggling with jealousy, it might be wise to let them stay up a little later and talk about how they’re feeling.

Keep your wallet closed

Has your kid ever told you a lollipop is the only thing that will make them feel better? Or maybe it’s a pack of Pokemon cards? Sometimes, children use negative self-talk to convince their parents to buy them a treat, but resist the urge! It’s our job to teach them healthy ways to express their feelings and allow them to practice sitting with disappointment and frustration. Buying things just won’t help, says Lerner.

Don’t shame or take it personally

If you suspect your kiddo is leveraging their feelings, remember that they’re wired to push limits to get what they want or need. Lerner stresses that it’s not manipulation and parents shouldn’t get angry or feel like it’s personal. “We never want to go to shame because shame is a toxic emotion that erodes a child’s sense of self,” she says.

Instead, empathize with their desire (for the Pokemon cards, staying up late, eating more cookies—whatever) and hold the boundary. But next time they make a negative comment about themselves, respond more neutrally and say, “Tell me more about that.” If the feeling is real, your child will have more to say; if not, they’ll probably struggle to reply and go on strange tangents.

If your kid’s negative self-talk has generally gotten them what they want, it’s time to break the pattern. Stop responding to the provocation, but don’t ignore them. For instance, you might say, ‘I’m going to go into the kitchen and make some salad. I would love a helper to peel carrots,’ Lerner explains: “You want to communicate to your child that ‘I’m here for you and not rejecting you, but I’m not going to keep the dynamic going.’ ”

Reach out to a professional if you’re worried

If your kid’s negative self-talk is more extreme—for instance, saying things like, “I wish I wasn’t born” or “I don’t want to be here anymore”—try not to panic. It’s likely that they’re expressing how much they want their big, uncomfortable feelings to go away, rather than suicidal thoughts.

Related: The Best Response When Your Big Kid Is Experiencing Social Pain

That said, if parents are worried about the potential for self-harm or suicide, Lerner urges them to reach out to a mental health professional.

Focus on supporting, not fixing

“What children need is to be heard, not for you to make it all better,” says Lerner. “They need to see that they’re not alone and know that you’re going to help them work through their feelings, but not going to take them away or try to talk them out of them or minimize them.”

Parents need to remember that negative feelings aren’t harmful to kids—they’re part of being human. We’ve all survived more than a few disappointments in our lives, both big and small. Your ultimate goal is just to help your kiddo work through those difficult feelings and experiences.

“The point of discussing a rude comment with your child is to teach them why something is rude and to teach them appropriate morals and values,” says Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the “How Can I Help?” podcast. “This is why being rude back doesn’t help; it teaches them to continue being rude. Explain how what they said was hurtful or disrespectful, and with what is appropriate to say or an appropriate way to behave.”

With that in mind, here are some inappropriate comments your kid might make, whether on purpose or by accident, and some smart responses you’ll want to have in your back pocket for a teaching moment.

1. “I don’t want to play with those kids. They are weird!”

If your child is at a playground and in the sandbox, you might encourage them to play with the other children—we’ve all been there. But what if your child isn’t interested and verbalizes it? Therapist and life coach Daniel Rinaldi says you can respond by saying:

“I’d like for you to keep an open mind and include everyone when you are playing. Different interests and ways of doing things make the world an interesting place. If you give other people a chance, you might find you have things in common.”

2. You’re at the grocery store; you tell your child they can’t get the sugary cereal, and they say, “Why are you so stupid? I hate you.”

Depending on your child’s age, they might resort to “stupid” and “hate” because they don’t know how to describe exactly how they are feeling. In these situations, clinical social worker and therapist Christina Granahan says you can respond by saying:

“It’s perfectly okay for you to be angry or have other feelings about me saying ‘no’ to you right now, but it is not okay for you to call me names.”

You can add that you will talk more about this at home and you thank them for being patient in the interim.

3. “Why are they so fat?”

As kids begin to see that people come in different shapes and sizes, they may ask out loud, why is that person so fat? According to Jennifer Kelman, LCSW and JustAnswer mental health expert, a simple response to your child is to let them know that you love their curiosity and then educate them. For example:

“Some people are tall, and some are less tall, some people are smaller, and some are larger in size, and that is what is great about people. We are all different and we can learn new things from others.”

Kelman adds that if this question is asked directly to another person, you can let that person know that you are sorry if their feelings have been hurt and that your child is learning about the world and is showing their curious mind.

4. A child says “Get out of my way” to someone in a wheelchair.

Dr. Saltz has a smart reply parents can utilize in a situation where a child disrespects an individual in a wheelchair:

“They are in a wheelchair because they are having some difficulty with walking which is hard for them. We are never unkind or disrespectful in general, but especially to someone who is struggling in some way.”

Additionally, Saltz adds you’ll want to tell your child to apologize and instead ask if they need help, and if they say they don’t, they can simply move around them.

5. A child says to someone with a limb difference, “What happened to your hand? It looks weird.”

Rachel Heitman, a licensed clinical practitioner at Carolina Minds, says that a response to inappropriate comments like this is really age-dependent. If it’s an older child who understands more than say, a toddler or preschool child, a more direct answer is necessary. For a younger child, approach the topic with something like:

“I want to go back to earlier when you said the person’s hand looked weird. Their hand didn’t look like my hand or like your hand—lots of people will look different than you and me. That doesn’t make them good or bad. Sometimes the word ‘weird’ can sound like it’s bad. You can always ask me about things you notice.”

Heitman says the most important part about crafting thoughtful replies to rude comments is to acknowledge your kid’s feelings and intent and then coach them.

6. “Why does your breath smell so bad?”

This question may come up while spending time with a friend or family member. Kelman suggests responding by saying something like the following:

“When we eat, it can leave an odor in our mouth, and this is why we brush our teeth regularly so that our mouth is clean and fresh. Perhaps they haven’t had a moment to brush their teeth after they ate, but it’s not nice to comment on someone’s breath, especially if you are in public.”

Depending on the child’s age, you could tell them that sometimes it may be appropriate to pull the person aside to let them know, but otherwise, it is smarter to be quiet.

7. “Why does Grandpa look so old?”

This type of inappropriate comment is bound to come up when a child sees an adult that looks older than their parents or those they’ve seen before. Kelman says you can say something like:

“Grandpa has lived a long time, and as we get older, we start to look a little older, just like you don’t look the same as when you were a baby. We all grow and change, but it’s not nice to tell someone they look old just like how you don’t like being called a baby.”

Here’s an example of one such tool: Parent coach Destini Ann Davis has implemented a system for her pre-teen daughter to use when she’s about to hit her breaking point. Her daughter has a code word that signals to her mother what she needs at that moment. Davis explains in a recent TikTok:

@destini.ann

♬ original sound – Destini Ann

“I don’t want to teach my kids to catastrophize their anger, but I also don’t want to teach them to ignore it… We actually have a code word. It’s ‘pickles.’ When she says that, that is my cue to give her space from her sister without it hurting her sister’s feelings,” says Davis.

Using a code word isn’t just for dealing with siblings, though. Kids can use their code word just about any time they feel they’re about to lose control. It’s a way for them to express themselves without exploding. For instance, “Instead of telling her sister she’s so annoying, it’s ‘Mom, I need a space break,'” Davis says.

The mom of two also gives her oldest daughter phrases to use that represent the anger she’s feeling without escalating the situation. “All of these statements are about her focusing on one of three things: what’s happening, how she’s feeling about what’s happening, or what she needs to happen,” she explains. It’s all part of what Davis calls angry language for big kids, which helps them avoid catastrophizing events (e.g., “I hate my life) and brings everything back down to Earth (“I really don’t like this moment.”). 

Related: Mom Shares ‘Secret Code’ Idea So Her Kid Always Has a Way Out of a Tough Situation

Viewers loved the idea of having safe ways to express feelings that don’t end in an outburst or breakdown, and using a code word especially resonated with parents who saw the video. One viewer commented, “I like the code word plan! My 8/yo needs to take independent play breaks, and it is hard for others to understand. Thank you for the phrases, too!” An educator agreed with the idea as well. “I’m a head middle school counselor… this is so beneficial and we try to use it in school. My favorite words are ‘peacock’ or ‘bubbles.’”

We think the idea of a code word is pure brilliance and something everyone should have put into action because, every so often, all of us could use a space break.

@drchelsey_parenting

♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta

Raising an “upstander” instead of a “bystander” takes some skill, and parenting expert Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta offered up three tips for how to help your kids build up this trait.

1. Storytelling: Provide your child with lots of stories of children having similar social challenges. This can come from your own experience, from books you read, or stories you hear on the news. These stories are a jumping-off point for discussing whether your child has had similar challenges and what they might do if faced with them in the future.
2. Language: Teach your child the word “upstander.” Talk about times when you’ve been an upstander and look for opportunities to show what this behavior looks like.
3. Social network: Help your child develop friendships with other children in their class to widen their social network. It’s not quite as hard to be an upstander when you have friends on your side.

Dealing with a bully means taking away their power and de-escalating the situation. If we provide our children with examples of upstanders before they are faced with a bullying situation, they can see how important it is to rise above bystander status and stand up for someone. Practicing what to do in these situations can make the reaction more innate once they are faced with it in real life.

Related: Using the ‘Bear Tactic’ with Bullies Is a Total Power Move