So, how do you stop a toddler from hitting?

 

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Licensed child therapist Deena Margolin, one half of the duo behind @biglittlefeelings, shares two things parents can do to combat hitting behavior:

1. Okay their feelings: “Come in calm and confident. Your kid’s volatility is not shaking you,” she explains. Then you’d say something like, “It’s okay to feel mad.” You want them to understand that it’s okay for them to feel what they are feeling.
2. Set the boundary: The second step is establishing the boundary: “It’s not okay to hit.” This is firm and unequivocal.

It’s important to close the loop on this lesson when your child is feeling calm and more receptive to new information. You should bring up this incident at a later time and go over what your child was feeling before they lashed out with hitting. Help them recognize those signs before they get to the boiling point. You’d also want to offer alternatives to hitting, like taking deep breaths, using “angry chalk” to color on a chalkboard, or punching a pillow.

A bonus tip: “Remember how toddlers want our attention more than ANYTHING? We can leverage that by doing what we call ‘Spotlight the Right.’ So when your toddler is playing gently or they use coping skills instead of hitting, make a BIG deal to see more of that behavior: ‘Yay! You took some deep tiger breaths instead of hitting!'” Ultimately, “the goal is progress, not perfection,” she reminds us.

1. “Can you tell me more about why you want_______?”

Taking the time to understand where big feelings are coming from is always time well spent for parents. And digging deeper can sometimes redirect your kid’s attention so you don’t have to utter the dreaded word.

Take it out for a spin when your little one asks for something at the store that’s not on your list. “I hear that you really want those bright pinky, sparkly shoes. Can you tell me more about why you want them?” It can be fun and insightful to delve deeper into the why of your toddler’s demands. And while it may not stop a meltdown in the middle of a bustling store, it lets them know you care.

2. “Oh, I wish we could too, but…”

Just hearing “no” may be jarring to kids, especially for toddlers who are starting to learn how to cope with big feelings. Instead of laying it on, we say let someone else be the bad guy for a change. Who? Who cares! Just as long as you and your kid are on the same team. That’s the beauty of this turn of phrase—it helps you side with your kid while still setting a limit.

Test it out the next time your kid wants to eat dessert first. “Oh, I wish we could have ice cream before dinner too, but we’ve got to eat our healthy dinner first! Plus, Mommy is making a really yummy dinner, and I can’t wait for you to try it. Would you like to help me cook?”

The best part about these phrases is that they don’t have to be used in isolation. Take the above scenario for example. Side with them on the ice cream before dinner, and then give them an opportunity to choose an alternative. “Oh, I wish we could have ice cream before dinner, too, but healthy foods come first. Instead of ice cream, do you want to have a cheese stick or strawberries? You can pick!” Mix and match looks good on you, parents.

Related: 9 Expert Tips to Help Kids Deal with Disappointment

3. “You can…”

Once your kid hits two, we bet you’ve found yourself repeatedly saying things like, “don’t touch that,” “don’t hit,” and “don’t jump on that” to no avail. It’s exhausting! Bottom line: your kid isn’t defiant—they’ve probably just become desensitized by the concept of don’t.

So instead of the instinctive “no, don’t” approach, try replacing your “don’t” with a “you can.” Instead of saying, “don’t climb on the table.” Try out, “I see you want to climb. Tables are for eating, but you can climb at the playground. Do you want to go to the park and play?” Think of this one as the bees-to-honey approach to saying “no” to your kids.

4. “How about _______ instead?”

Never underestimate the power of compromise, especially if you’re a parent. Meeting your kid in the middle can be an easy way to set a limit without too much pushback, and the best part is it works in lots of different situations.

Are the kids trying to push bedtime back when all you want to do is curl up on the couch and catch up on your latest binge-worthy show? The next time they ask if they can stay up late, try to compromise. “I know you want to stay up. We’re having so much fun. How about I set a timer for five more minutes so we can finish playing and you can get a good night’s sleep?” In the grand scheme of things, five minutes is nothing, and your little night owl will feel like it’s a big win.

5. “You choose.”

One of our favorite books these days is What Should Danny Do? The storybook follows superhero Danny as he navigates his day. What do we love about it? It’s a choose-your-own-adventure book where you decide what Danny should do, and his superpower is the power to choose. Instead of shutting down a situation with an unflappable “no,” try instilling Danny’s lessons into your everyday by giving your toddler the power to choose.

Did your opinionated toddler wake up and decide last night’s pjs are the outfit of the day? Instead of the requisite, “No, you can’t wear that,” lean into the power to choose with something like, “I love those pajamas, but you wore them all night. How about we choose a different outfit together? You have the power to choose! Here are a few options. Which one do you like the best?”

This handy phrase can work for spats over playdates as well. “We can’t go to the zoo today, but we can do something else that’s super fun together. You have the power to choose. Would you like to go to the park or walk aimlessly through Target with me?” Voila! It’s a win-win.

Related: 5 Ways to Deal with Toddler Tantrums (Without Losing Your Cool)

6. “We’ll see.”

Sometimes it’s best to leave it vague. That’s the power of this simple phrase. It works especially well for those in-the-moment questions that don’t actually happen in the moment. Questions like: “Can I have a playdate with so-and-so next week?” or “Can I go to the zoo on my birthday?” are easily put off until a later date with a simple “We’ll see.” You can even zhuzh it up a bit with excited exclamations like, “Oh, going to the zoo on your birthday does sound like fun. We’ll see.”

7. “Maybe another time.”

For those moments when you have to say “no” but you could have just as easily said “yes” if the circumstances were different, lean in with this phrase. If the kids want to head over to a friend’s house to play after the park, but it just isn’t gonna happen, let them know by saying, “Maybe another time you can.” The next time they want to get a really cool toy, or invite a friend over to play, or head to the park when you’ve got a work call or errands to run, reassure them that there will be another day, so maybe they can…another time.

8. “I’ll think about it.”

There’s nothing wrong with taking some time to think. And when you pull this one out with kids, you’re showing them the truth in that. They don’t have to know it’s just another way to say “no” in the moment without causing an uproar. Why? Because you’ve left the door of possibility open.

The next time you’re grocery shopping and your kids succumb to the store’s must-have product placement, tell them you’ll think about it. “Can we please get these ice cream sandwiches?” becomes a much easier question to answer when you help your kids delay gratification by saying, “I’ll think about it.” And then keep on moving. Just remember, this one works best with big kids.

@drchelsey_parenting

♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey HaugeZavaleta, PhD

Hauge-Zavaleta explains that if your kiddo is having a breakdown of any sort, they’re stuck in a loop of dysregulation and don’t know how to get out. They need help from someone to break the cycle—and that person is you. “Your child learns to weather the storms of life by experiencing you literally be their nervous system,” she explains. “When they’re dysregulated, they process less of the actual words that you say, and they take in much more of how you show up: the tone of your voice, how big you look, the wrinkles in your forehead, the speed of your words.”

Related: 9 Ways to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

Our kids need us to be the adults in the room—literally and figuratively. That’s why Hauge-Zavaleta emphasizes the importance of having a mantra, a nurturing tool, something you can do in five seconds to calm your nervous system before you attempt to help your kid. “Your child needs you to show up. They need your nervous system,” she says.

Here are some of her five-second calming tools to use when you need a reset:

Lay on the ground. Yes, the actual ground.

This will activate your proprioceptive and vestibular systems and assist in sensory regulation—especially in an overwhelming situation.

Wash your hands in cold water.

Temperatures can be a sensory trigger and cold water shocks the nervous system.

Walk like you’re in quicksand.

This will also activate your proprioceptive system and help you regulate.

Chew ice.

Activating your oral senses can help you feel calmer and more alert.

Sing a happy song.

Pick a power ballad or a fight song that’ll give you the boost you need to remain calm and handle your child.

Some parents in the comments shared their calming tools. One said, “My mantra is this ‘I got this.’ My kid isn’t giving me a hard time, they’re having a hard time.” Another said, “I focus on deep breathing and counting my breath. I step away for 4-5 seconds down the hallway and come back to restart.”

This is one of the hardest parts of parenting, folks. More than likely, many of us weren’t taught these skills and none of us are born with them. And like Hauge-Zavaleta says, “It’s okay if you mess it up, you will. I mess it up all the time. What matters is that you keep trying, and part of trying is getting a plan together.”

In our efforts to help our littles, we might offer some words that we think are helpful. But as parents and caregivers, we have to be careful of what not to say when our kids are sad. Sometimes our words can come off as harsh, while other times they can even make the situation worse. Our kids might feel like we don’t really understand or care about their pain. So how do we help them through these difficult moments? For starters, avoid saying these phrases when your kid is sad:

1. “Why are you being so sensitive?”

Daniel Rinaldi, a therapist with experience working with children and families, says parents should show empathy and understanding, “especially when validating sad emotions for their children.”

“The language and tone we use can help a child to feel heard, understood, and safe,” says Rinaldi. “Try instead saying, ‘I can see you’re experiencing some tricky emotions. Everyone is different and it is okay to show sensitivity. I’ll be here for you while you work through these emotions,’” he adds.

2. Anything that insinuates that crying is bad.

Everyone should be allowed to express their emotions, and that especially goes for children, who are still navigating emotional regulation. “(Saying “don’t cry”) tends to encourage pushing down and hiding feelings,” says Dr. Sean Akers, a pediatric psychologist at Children’s Hospital Medical Center in Omaha.

“A better way to phrase that would be, ‘I want you to know that crying is a healthy way of expressing your emotions. I’m here to help you if you need it,’” adds Rinaldi.

3. “Others have it worse.”

While that may be true in some ways, reminding a child about this when they’re in distress isn’t the best time to say it. “Sadness is not a competition, and comparing experiences with others tends to make it worse,” says Dr. Akers.

If your child is frequently getting sad over “smaller” problems, having conversations (when they are no longer distressed) around gratitude, and differentiating between small, medium, and large problems so they can gain more perspective could be beneficial.

4. “You’re so much more difficult than _____.”

Just like sadness isn’t a competition, we also don’t want to entertain the idea that your child is more “difficult” than a sibling, friend, or other loved one just because they are struggling with their emotions.

“This phrase invalidates a child’s unique way of interacting with and understanding the world,” says Taylor Lindskoog (MHC-LP) from Empower Your Mind Therapy. “It emphasizes that they are wrong or inferior compared to their siblings (or others). This negatively impacts the child’s self-esteem and may damage their bond with siblings due to jealousy, competitiveness, or resentment,” she says.

Related: 9 ‘Harmless’ Phrases That Hurt Kids More Than You Think

5. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Similar to the previous, Dr. Nikki Hurst, Principal Therapist and Therapeutic Content Lead at Embodied, Inc., makers of Moxie Robot, recommends avoiding this problematic phrase.

“Children’s perceptions of situations and the way they experience things are very different from adults, and a situation that may not seem like a big deal to us may be a big deal for a child. It’s important to avoid phrases such as these because we don’t want to invalidate our child’s feelings and experiences,” says Dr. Hurst. “This could cause them to be less open with us, and more unwilling to talk about their feelings or trust us with them.”

While Dr. Hurst says we don’t have to totally agree that their small problem is actually a big problem or even turn it into one, we can always use language that validates their feelings and encourages kids to talk about the issue.

6. “You don’t have any reason to be sad.”

“While we know many stressors and loss can make us feel sad, we also know some kids feel sad without clear reason,” says Dr. Myo Thwin Myint of Children’s Hospital New Orleans Behavioral Health. He says this can be due to everything from family history and genetics, to the interplay of mind, body, and environment. Other times it might simply be because the child hasn’t had a chance to share their reasons.

Instead of saying the above phrase, Dr. Myint offers the alternative phrase, “We all feel sad sometimes; I would love to hear if you know why you feel sad” in order to check in with the child and have an opportunity to help them with their stressors or even seek out professional help.

7. “Act like a big (kid)!”

“Kids are meant to be kids, and being a kid sometimes comes with big feelings and emotions,” says Dr. Hurst. And those big emotions don’t necessarily go away once they’re older, she says.

“We want to encourage children to be able to express their feelings at any age. As they get older, we want to continue to give them the tools to be able to start regulating their emotions on their own as well as the language to ask for help when they need it,” she says. Dr. Hurst recommends using language like, “It’s okay to feel sad. Do you want to talk about it?”

8. Anything that perpetuates toxic positivity.

Many of us have heard phrases like “turn that frown upside down!” in our lives, especially as children. And many of us also remember how annoying and dismissive it felt. While people who say this might have the best of intentions in wanting to cheer us (or their children) up, there’s no need for it.

Phrases like “Smile and think positive!” tend to be “minimizing and dismissive,” according to Dr. Akers.

Instead of saying something like “Why can’t you just cheer up and be happy?” Rinaldi recommends a phrase like “You are feeling sad and you have the right to feel that way. Take your time and I will be here when you need to talk.”

9. “Get over it.”

“Just as many physical symptoms may not get better with simple willpower, sadness may not be something kids can get over,” says Dr. Myint. “Changing the way we think when we feel sad may help, such as in aspects of cognitive behavioral therapy, many of us may not know how to do it well and effectively,” he says.

Instead of saying this, he suggests helping the child figure out ways they can feel less sad, enlisting professional help if and when necessary, and explaining to the child that there are people whose job it is to help kids feel less sad.

Related: 9 Expert Tips to Help Kids Deal with Disappointment

1. “It’s not a big deal.”

Parents of toddlers know that it takes next to nothing to send little ones into the depths of despair. But unintentionally invalidating their feelings IS a big deal—to them. If your goal is to develop a relationship with your child where they’ll openly talk to you—and trust us, you’ll want that when they’re teenagers—avoid this statement like the plague.

Try This Instead: “I’m sorry you’re upset. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?” and then, perhaps approach how to manage their feelings instead of how to manage the situation. For instance, if the family dog drools on your son’s favorite superhero cape, sending him into a tear-filled rage, try to talk about the anger and how to handle it, rather than focusing on the drool.

2. “You’re so smart.”

It’s easy to give our children regular verbal pats on the back when they conquer daily challenges. Putting on shoes, picking up puzzle pieces when they’re finished playing with them, or even making a silly face that they want recognition for. But if your praise labels them instead of their actions, you risk creating praise junkies who don’t want to risk looking bad.

Try This Instead: Researcher Carol Dweck found that kids develop either “fixed” or “growth” mindsets. Kids with fixed mindsets believe their potential is capped and avoid challenges that test their abilities. Kids with growth mindsets thrive on challenges. To foster a growth mindset, you should celebrate the process rather than the person. Say “You found a great way to do this!” or “I can see you’ve been practicing.”

3. “How many times do I have to tell you?”

This one is usually accompanied by an exasperated sigh. It’s frustrating. We get it. Sometimes you think their brains are made of Teflon because nothing you say seems to stick. But remember, their brains don’t work the same as ours. They prioritize information differently, and often, our input doesn’t make the cut. However, the way you make them feel plays a big role in developing self-esteem and confidence. Saying “How many times do I have to tell you?” can be interpreted as “Something’s wrong with you that you can’t remember.”

Try This Instead: “Do you remember when I said… ? I need you to do that, now.” You’ll avoid implying that there’s something inherently wrong or bad about your child and instead remind them that your expectation should be a priority for them.

4. “Be a big boy/girl.”

When you say this, you really mean something else. You might want your child to stop whining, fighting, or procrastinating. By saying “Be a big boy/girl,” you’re basically calling your child a baby, which, as we all know, packs quite a punch in toddler world.

Try This Instead: If you are looking for a specific behavior, ask for it. Brandi Davis, professional parenting coach, educator, and author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? suggests that clarity, not name-calling, will get you the behavior you’re looking for. Better options might look like: “I want to hear what you say, but I need you to stop whining. I cannot understand you,” or perhaps “I know that waiting is hard, but it is not safe to climb on the chair. Let’s read a book while we wait.”

Related: 30 Positive Things to Say to Kids (Especially When They Need a Boost)

5. “Don’t be sad.”

We love them, so it’s understandable to want to make them feel better ASAP when they’re unhappy. But by telling them to stop feeling something instead of teaching them how to face the emotions that they’re overwhelmed by, we’re not equipping them to manage feelings in the future.

Try This Instead: Psychologist Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, suggests that helping a child feel happy again may offer immediate relief for parent and child, but it doesn’t help a child in the long run. Instead, help them go through the emotion. Validate what they’re feeling. Label it. Let them feel it. Then help them notice that feelings pass, even the hard ones.

6. “Hurry up.”

No matter how much you plan ahead or move mountains to be somewhere on time, your toddler is an expert at slowing your roll. It’s easy to tell them to “Hurry up!” “Pick up the pace!” or “Stop lollygagging!” But when you do, you’re likely not to get anywhere any faster—just grumpier.

Try This Instead: Make getting out the door a little more fun. Try using words that are silly and attention-grabbing. “Let’s skedaddle” or sing “Hit the Road, Jack” as you make your way to the door. You’ll be more likely to steer clear of tears and anger and veer into giggles and acquiescence.

1. Everyone makes mistakes.
Nobody is perfect, and making mistakes is an essential life lesson that children can learn starting from a very young age. “It’s important that we make mistakes because that’s how we learn,” said Boston Baby Nurse & Nanny founder Carole Kramer, a registered nurse and best-selling author of Newborn 101. Kramer explained that kids may accidentally spill things or break something, for example, but teaching them that the accident itself isn’t a bad thing, it’s what you do and how you react afterward—that’s the life lesson. “Kids shouldn’t get down or be upset at themselves when they make mistakes,” Kramer said. “Parents can use [mistakes] as teaching opportunities.”

2. Life isn’t always fair.
Every parent has heard their kiddo whine, “But that’s not fair!” Whether it’s a conflict with siblings or friends, or it’s used as a stalling tactic to avoid bedtime, kids will argue a lack of “fairness” to get their way. But many things and experiences in life aren’t always fair. “I think that’s a hard lesson for kids to learn,” said Kramer. “The truth is, you can’t always get what you want all of the time.” For younger children, fairness may seem like an abstract concept, but as they grow older, kids may recognize that they could do the right thing and still get the wrong outcome—sometimes through no fault of their own.

3. Actions have consequences.
One of the first steps toward understanding accountability and taking responsibility is learning that every action has a consequence. Kids may experience consequences of their actions that are positive, such as hard work reaping benefits and rewards, or negative, such as inappropriate behavior leading to punishment. But connecting the dots between what you do and what happens is an important lesson to learn for children of all ages, our experts said.

4. Attendance is important.
Showing up and being on time is part of overall success, and sometimes kids need a brush with repercussions to understand how important it is. “The importance of showing up and being on time (for school, for example) is something kids need to learn, oftentimes, the hard way, though hopefully sooner than later,” said Marjie Hadad, a global PR and parenting expert and author of The Power of PR Parenting: How to raise confident, resilient, and successful children using public relations strategies.

“In public relations, we schedule interviews for our clients. It’s very important that our clients arrive on time at the specified location for an interview. If without a good reason and they do not respect their commitment, they risk losing the opportunity.” That being said, perfect attendance isn’t necessarily the goal because there will be times when kids will have to miss an event or a day of school. It’s what they do when they are present that matters. 

5. Pay attention to the instructions.
In pursuit of striking independence, kids may take instructions as loose guidelines rather than rules to be followed. But paying attention to instructions is an important lesson to ensure that something is completed properly or an intended goal is achieved. “There are times when creativity is required to navigate unexpected challenging situations,” said Hadad. “However, most times, it would be best to listen and abide by instructions.”

6. You won’t always get picked first.
It can be easy for kids to feel hurt or slighted if they are not picked first or are not invited to a friend’s birthday party. But these are opportunities for parents to teach their kids that sometimes there are reasons why things happen that people don’t know about. “Allow your child to have hurt feelings,” said Boston Baby Nurse & Nanny’s Kramer, but also teach them that sometimes things may happen for reasons that are outside of their own control.

7. It’s OK to be uncomfortable.
Kids may be anxious in situations that are new or unknown to them, but managing to get through those kinds of experiences can help to build self-confidence and resilience. “Most of us learn this lesson as adults,” said Kramer. “We often have this mindset that everything always has to be great and everything needs to be cool. But we’re going to have a variety of emotions, and not all of them will be good ones.” Learning to be uncomfortable is a valuable lesson for kids to learn early.

8. It’s OK to be bored.
The corollary to being OK with being uncomfortable is being OK with being bored. As parents, we often feel we need to entertain or occupy every second of our children’s lives, so when there is downtime, our kids may express their boredom. Rather than trying to immediately distract or placate a bored kid, teach them that feeling bored from time to time is not only OK, but it’s a natural and ordinary part of life.

9. Don’t take everything personally.
What others do and say is often simply a projection of their own reality, so an important life lesson for kids is not to take everything so personally. “Someone may be having a rough day, and they take it out on others,” said Kramer. For a six-year-old, that may be difficult to understand, but as kids grow older, they can recognize that other people may be experiencing life differently, and parents can teach their children to be empathetic toward others.

10. Be thoughtful about the power of words and tone.
Parents can help kids develop better communication skills by being thoughtful about the words they choose and the tone used to deliver them. “Everyday communication should be given some respect, said author Hadad. “Sometimes this is a lesson that needs to be learned the hard way by our kids in social, academic, and after-school job scenarios. When word choice and tone are chosen carelessly, there is the risk of losing a friend, alienating a teacher, or annoying an employer. If these were the goals, then mission accomplished. If these weren’t, well then, hopefully, a lesson well learned. Think before you talk and choose your delivery wisely.”

In a recent TikTok, Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta, co-founder of Positive Parenthood, breaks down four responses that can help diffuse a public meltdown without threats, bribes, or completely shutting a child down—and each one is catered to a different type of kid.

@drchelsey_parenting

Replying to @Sonder

♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta

Hauge-Zavaleta prefaces the four responses with a disclaimer: If your child starts saying things like “I don’t want to be here.” “I am so bored.” “I want to go home!” you need to take them to the edge of whatever public place you’re in to separate them from all the excitement and other people. Your child will be able to hear you, and you’ll have created a better opportunity to get through to them. “The edge of the grocery store, the edge of the park, somewhere private,” she says.

Then she wants you to say and do one of these four things, based on the kind of child you have:

1. If you have a kid who gets “hangry” often.

If you’ve got a kiddo who plays hard and, like clockwork, starts to lose it if they haven’t had a snack by a certain point, this is what Hauge-Zavaleta recommends: “Sit down and silently start peeling an orange or a banana, any food you have on hand. Don’t use words on this kid. Do not ask if they want the food. Just hand them the peeled orange or whatever food you’ve got, and model good breathing.”

2. If your kid struggles with sensory overload.

Public spaces are filled with noise, lights, smells—the works. According to Hauge-Zavaleta, the first thing you need to do for a kid struggling with overload is to make the environment easier to manage: give them a pair of headphones, turn off the lights, etc. Then she says to use a soft, melodic voice to speak with your child and remind yourself they aren’t behaving this way to stress you out. The environment is just too much.

Related: This One-Word Switch Prevents Kid Meltdowns When Leaving Somewhere Fun

3. If your kid is all about “fairness.”

To some kids, it’s the world against them, and nothing is “fair.” If this is your kiddo, Hauge-Zavaleta recommends using three “yes” statements to validate your child’s feelings without catering to their requests. For example, “You really didn’t want to come here today.” “This sucks, and you are counting the minutes till we get home.” “You hate it here and can’t believe mama brought you.”

Hauge-Zavaleta explains, “This is not to fix the problem. This is just to get your child back into a state of regulation. If you get their perspective wrong, you’re absolutely going to know and then you need to try again. You cannot force these kinds of children to have a delightful time just because you’re having a delightful time, and you need to recognize that it’s okay to be unhappy about whatever family event you’re at.”

She reminds us that parents should use a soft, positive voice, and try to understand that their child’s perspective on the event or situation will be different than their own.

4. If your kid loves a routine and has a hard time with change.

So you’ve got a Type-A child who thrives in knowing what comes next. That’s great for many reasons, but in big public settings, this type of child can be thrown way off if things change without warning or too much is happening. Here’s what Hauge-Zavaleta recommends: Don’t label their feelings. Don’t tell them they’re just being shy or they need to learn how to go with the flow. Simply ask questions and be curious about your kids’ state of mind so they can tell you how they’re feeling, not the other way around.

If they’re using loud language, do not respond to it. Instead, use a soft and whispering voice to help them move on to the next step. She says visuals can be useful as well. Draw a picture of what is happening first, and then what is happening next.

These responses are effective if you’ve done the legwork before even leaving the house. As Hauge-Zavaleta explains, “It’s about realizing what kind of support your child needs at the moment. It’s also about changing your mindset from ‘they’re throwing a meltdown because they don’t want to be here’ to ‘they’re throwing a meltdown, and I’m the one who can help them get out of it.’”

Related: 5 Easy Sensory Activities That Help Prevent Meltdowns & Tantrums

Do these responses mean your child gets their way and you leave the event or gathering? Not at all. As parents, we can have boundaries, but we also need to answer our kids’ call for help when they’re melting down in public—and catering our response to their needs makes the process a whole lot easier.

“I want you to think about these ‘boy crises’ as significant time periods when boys get disconnected from authentic parts of themselves, usually their emotional parts,” he explains. “Prior to the age of five, boys tend to be more emotionally expressive than girls. However, that shifts around that time period, when boys become less verbally expressive than girls do.”

@remasculine

Replying to @Kathie Rose Mashni here’s more detail on the two boy crises! (Thanks for being patient) let me know if you want to hear more. #masculinity #feminism #barbie #kenenough #positivemasculinity #teachersoftiktok

♬ Aesthetic – Tollan Kim

He explains that the somatic markers for emotion in boys’ brains don’t actually change—they just become less verbal. What that tells us is that boys don’t actually get less emotional around five years old, they just start suppressing their emotions at that age. Why? Well, Dr. Kwiatkowski says research indicates this is the age that boys start to become aware that two emotions in particular are less “socially acceptable” for them to express: fear and sadness.

“There’s lots of reasons for this,” he explains. “Some of it is due to implicit bias, as mothers and fathers tend to use less emotional language when talking to their sons as compared to their daughters, particularly about events that might be sad or scary. Some of it can also be much more intentional, though, as parents tend to be much more concerned about their sons being seen as too feminine than they are about their daughters being seen as too feminine” so parents police their sons’ emotions to protect them from bullying and judgment.

That’s why the first “boy crisis” coincides with starting school—it’s when boys are first exposed to social pressure, and when people are likely to begin policing their emotions.

The second “boy crisis” comes about a decade later, when kids transition to high school.

“You have puberty and all the insecurities that come along with that, you have changing social dynamics and trying to posture and fit in, and you also have the start of intimate relationships,” Dr. Kwiatkowski explains. It’s also when kids start to care more about what their peers think than what their parents think. He says many boys this age feel forced to wear a “mask of masculinity” to fit in, even if it doesn’t fit how they feel on the inside.

The good news? Boys grow out of these periods. But during these ages, they may need more emotional support. And it’s always good for parents to encourage them to be emotionally open to help them ride out the turbulence of growing up.

“Sometimes I like parents to think about it like this: At what point did you stop having meltdowns about little things in life?” Wald suggests. “Now answer that question and then wonder if it was by the age of 3 or 4. Then look at your child and be like—ah… okay.”

Whether you’ve got a headstrong one-year-old or a testy two-nager, these sprouting little people are all about their emotions.  It doesn’t matter whether they’re raging because you turned off The Wiggles or because you told them 7 p.m. is too late to go to the playground—those big feelings are real.  And how you respond to them can make all the difference. So the next time your child is about to lose it, handle the situation with care, and definitely don’t utter these phrases.

1. “It’s not a big deal” or It’s OK.”

Um, it’s clearly not okay. At least, not in your toddler’s growing brain—where whatever she’s upset about most certainly is a big deal. You telling your child otherwise will only make things worse. “Your child might not feel okay, and the process of your child getting from ‘I’m not OK’ to feeling like, ‘I am OK’—and figuring out how they get there—is the active parenting,” says Wald, who has two teenage sons of her own.

“Telling a child they’re OK when they’re feeling anything but is just gaslighting somebody that you love,” Wald explains. Instead, try to meet your child where they are and acknowledge their disappointment without rushing to make it better.

“Let’s say you just got off a call with a client that you’ve been nurturing for a really long time and they just decided to give their business to another company. Your kid might look at you and say, ‘It’s not a big deal, because we get to go to the zoo today,’ but for you, it might be a big deal. Everybody’s big deal is different.”

Related: The 4 ‘Magic Words’ That Stop Bad Behavior Better Than Warnings

2. “Big boys or girls don’t [cry, whine, etc.].”

Not only have you just insulted your child by telling them they’re not a big boy or girl, but you’ve also set them up for a future where their feelings aren’t okay. Big girls and boys can cry. And we want to make sure our kids know that’s natural and normal.

“It can be very disorienting for a child to think that they’re not going to be able to have their feelings when they grow up,” says Wald. “Let kids have the feelings they’re having in that moment and have good coping skills for whatever age they’re in.” In most cases, telling your kids not to cry (or whine) only makes them cry more. Instead, try to understand why they’re so upset, and tell them you’d love to talk to them about it when they are calm.

3. “If you’re good, you can have [insert reward here].”

We get it. Sometimes it’s easier to pop in a little bribery in order to get out the door, have an easy trip to the grocery store, or enjoy a (somewhat) quiet car ride. But when you offer rewards for “being good,” what you’re telling your kids is that they’re not already good. “Children are always good; that doesn’t mean they’re always making good choices,” Wald says.

Here’s an example: Let’s say you’re looking for your toddler to pick up all the crayons when he’s finished drawing. Wald recommends saying something like,‘Hey, I’m looking for you to be able to pick up all the crayons, and that’s what I’m waiting for so we can go to the park.’”

4. “Your sibling knows how to do this. Why don’t you?”

Sibling rivalry is a real thing, and comparing one child to another just sets the stage for more of it. Every kid has their own timeline, so it doesn’t really matter when or how one child can do something if another is having trouble. Bringing up a sibling will only make your child feel worse about their behavior.

That said, you can use another child’s experience to help when one of your kids is struggling. Wald suggested saying something like, “Your sister struggled with this, too, and then she learned. Maybe we can ask her what helped.” This way, you’re creating a support system instead of a rivalry, while helping solve the problem. Win-win.

Related: 6 Phrases to Avoid Saying to Your Toddler

5. “You’re my easy child.”

You might think it would make your child happy to know you think of them as “easier” than their siblings, but it doesn’t necessarily work that way. “Setting up a child as, ‘Oh, thank goodness you’re easy, you’re less difficult, you’re more compliant’ starts to put a child in a box. They feel like they have to be that way to keep the balance of the family. And that’s not really what we want,” says Wald. Got a favorite? An “easy” child? Keep it to yourself.

6. “What’s wrong with you?”

All your child hears when you say this is: “There’s something wrong with you.” And this proclamation can become a self-fulfilling prophecy—the child feels like the “bad kid,” so starts behaving badly. This can start to set up an identity that’s really unhealthy “as opposed to focusing on choices that have been made in the moment,” says Wald.

Instead of focusing on the child (i.e., “What’s wrong with you?”), focus on the behavior you’re trying to change (i.e., “You just hit your sister and it looks like she’s hurt. What can you do to make things better?”).

7. “You always” or “You never.”

Never say never. These sorts of blanket statements only tell the child who you think they are—which could lead to who they become. You tell your kid, “You never clean your room,” they’ll become a kid who never cleans the room. “You’re coding their brain for who they are and it starts to create, ‘Ok I guess you’re telling me who I am.'”

Instead of saying, “You never clean your room,” say something like, “Let’s work on cleaning your room today” or  “We can watch a show once your room is clean.”

Related: The Most Important Things to Say to a Toddler (That Aren’t ‘I Love You’)

8. “Because I said so.”

This one usually sneaks out of our parenting toolbox when we’re tired or just don’t have a better answer. But let’s be real. You know your kids are just going to keep asking “Why?” anyway, so why not just answer them honestly? They want to know why they have to go to bed at 8 p.m. Tell them how important sleep is for their bodies and how many hours they need to sleep so they can grow. If they ask why they can’t watch TV all night long, you tell them it’s because, while TV is fun, there are lots of other things in life that are fun, too, and it’s important to have balance.

“Our kids are in a really hungry learning stage at this age. They’re at a stage where they really want to understand the world. So it’s way better to say something like, ‘Well, the reason that the park closes is because there’s someone who keeps the gate open, and that person has to get home,” Wald says. “Everything is a learning opportunity to teach them how the world works is so much more powerful than, ‘because I said so.’ That builds the growth mindset that they need and the cognitive flexibility that we want them to have. ‘Because I said so’ doesn’t build any of those things.”

9. “Say you’re sorry.”

Your toddler just whacked her big brother in the face with her Barbie doll and won’t budge on the apology. Can you force it? Well, you can try. But they either won’t mean it, or they’ll stubbornly refuse, and then you’ve got your toddler mad at you and her brother. Now what?

Let’s backtrack a bit. Before you rush to apologies, it’s important to find out why a child did something wrong in the first place. “A lot of times they do something wrong because they feel something wrong was done to them,” Wald explains. “You have to figure out why they did the thing they need to apologize for first, then help them understand why they felt the way they did and why maybe the way they handled it was wrong.” Once you have that talk with your child, and they’re at a place where they understand, you can have them “apologize for how they handled it without apologizing for the feeling.”

And, rather than just focusing on a “sorry,” it’s better to call it what it really is—a “repair.” To do this, narrate how the other person looks (“Look at your brother’s sad face; I bet that hurt.” or “Your brother is really upset that you hit him.”), then come up with a way to “repair” the situation (with a hug, an ice pack, etc.). This way, it’s not just about the words, it’s about the actions.

10. “Hurry up and make a choice.”

We get it. Your kid has been perusing the prize box at the doctor’s office for longer than the actual doctor’s visit, and you’re getting impatient. But—as you’ve probably noticed—telling your kid to, “Hurry up” only makes the choice-making take even longer. “When you say ‘hurry up,’ you’re creating stress,” Wald says. “For some people, stress creates action, for many, stress creates a freeze response. Their brain is now just hearing ‘Hurry up’ and now they can’t choose specifically because you just told them to hurry.”

So what’s a harried parent to do? Just take a deep breath and let your kid linger. Any parent who’s waited for their toddler to “do it themselves” when it comes to buckling their own seat belt knows how long those minutes can be. But sit tight. Play a Wordle. They’ll get there. And whatever you do, don’t tell them “It’s not a big deal.”

Related: 8 Ways to Say ‘No’ to Your Kid (Without Actually Saying It)

Mandy Grass, a behavior analyst and parent coach, explains in a recent TikTok that when dealing with big feelings, clear and calm phrases like “We don’t hit” or “You can be mad, but you do not hit mommy” are a good start, but there’s something parents often forget. She lays it out in her video:

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A post shared by Mandy Grass (@thefamilybehaviorist)

We can tell our littles what not to do until we’re blue in the face, but it doesn’t help them understand how they should act—and that’s the missing link.

We need to tell kids what they CAN do.

We very naturally jump to point out the things kids shouldn’t do. But, as Grass explains, flipping our responses when they’re having an outburst of emotions might be more effective. “Sometimes, we’re so caught up in responding to behavior… but we are not teaching. That emotion still exists, that anger still exists, that anger is valid, so tell them what to do,” says Grass.

For Grass, a key element of knowing what to do when your kid hits you is offering a replacement behavior: clenching their fists, stomping their feet, yelling into a pillow, or taking space in the quiet corner. “Start focusing on and modeling that; inundate them with those options. It’s not a magic wand, but if implemented consistently for a couple of days or a week, it can make a difference,” she says.

Related: How 3 “Yes” Statements Can Defuse an Angry Kid

We also need to SHOW them what that looks like.

If you want another trick to add to your parenting arsenal, Grass suggests showing your kids how they can touch by not just saying “We use gentle touch” but demonstrating what it looks like. For example, “You can touch mommy’s hand like this, or you can put your hands in quiet hands [with fingers laced] and take some space.” It’s so important not just to say “You use gentle hands” but to show what gentle touch looks like. “Focus on what to do, and model, model, model,” she stresses.

No one wants their tot to lash out or get physical, but they’re all on the same learning curve. It’s our job as parents to teach them to deal with anger safely. Like any new skill, it takes time and practice, but it’s one that they’ll use throughout their lives, and that’s a big win for everyone.