1. Swim Alone

“Never allow a child to swim alone, no matter how old. This one is definitely at the top of my list of things I’d never let my child do. As a pediatric emergency medicine [doctor], I have seen drowning in children of all ages in all types of bodies of water—deep and shallow,” says Dr. Christina Johns, Senior Medical Advisor at PM Pediatric Care.

Refusing to let your kids swim alone might make you as popular as the Grinch at Christmas, but statistics back up this rule. According to the Centers for Disease Control, drowning in a pool, body of water, or bathtub is the leading cause of death in children aged 1-4 and the second leading cause of death for children aged 5-14. 

Related: 5 Pool Toys a Pediatrician Mom Would Never Buy

The tween in your life might argue that they’ll wear a life jacket, but stand your ground. Life jackets (also called Personal Flotation Devices or PFDs) are (literal) lifesavers. However, if you’re alone, it’s still possible to drown while wearing one. According to CDR Kim Pickens, U. S. Coast Guard Reserve Operation BoatSmart Project Officer, in the article The Other 20%–When Wearing a Life Jacket Is Not Enough, “the more comfortable PFDs—those labeled as Type III or some Type V PFDs—will not turn an unconscious victim face up, at least not consistently. What most such PFDs will do (all but manually activated inflatables) is bring the person, whether unconscious or not, back up to the surface, enabling those nearby to quickly bring the victim to safety.” But that will only work if there’s someone around to get the tween’s face out of the water.

Bottom line: Supervise your crew when they swim, use life jackets in large bodies of water, and make sure the junior paddleboarders and canoers in your life always go out in a group.

2. Go Helmetless

“My child always wears a helmet when biking, roller skating, and skiing to protect her from head injury. As a pediatric EM physician and head injury researcher, I see the very serious consequences of unhelmeted head injuries and am vigilant in protecting my daughter (and her brain) from preventable injury,” says Angela Lumba-Brown, MD, pediatric emergency medicine physician at Stanford Medicine Children’s Health. 

With more than 26,000 children visiting an ER yearly for head injuries, wearing a helmet is a no-brainer. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Wearing a helmet can decrease the risk of head injuries by about 85% and facial injuries by about 65% among bicyclists.” Wearing a helmet is like using a seatbelt. You hope never to need it, but you’ll be grateful it’s there in an accident. 

Children are less likely to complain if their caregivers are wearing helmets too. Adaira Landry, MD, MEd, emergency medicine at Brigham and Women’s Hospital and Assistant Professor at Harvard Medical School, gets the whole family involved in safety. “We always ride bikes and scooters with helmets. This risk of head and face injury is nonzero for young kids who are still learning balance and speed,” she says.  

The US Consumer Product Safety Commission recommends using specialized helmets. Buying multiple helmets might sound like overkill, but activity-specific head gear “protect[s] your head from the kind of impacts typically associated with a particular activity or sport.” In other words, a bike helmet won’t protect your little hockey hero from a puck to the head. So get the right tool for the job.

Bottom line: As Dr. Landry says, “When it comes to raising adventurous children, there is a balance between excitement and risk. I want my kids to be daring and face challenges—and that can be done safely.” Helmets keep kids safe and are cheaper than reconstructive surgery.

3. Ride Forward Facing in a Car Before Age 3

“I would never let my two-year-old toddler ride in a forward-facing car seat–all babies and young toddlers should be in a rear-facing car seat up until they’re three years old or until they reach the weight and height max of their seat. Despite their cries and protest, keeping them rear-facing may mean the difference between life and death in an accident,” says Alok Patel, MD, a pediatric hospitalist at Stanford Medicine Children’s Health.

Car accidents are the second leading cause of death in children aged 1-4, after drowning. National Safety Counsel advises drivers to keep “…3-year-olds in rear-facing car seats for as long as possible. Once children outgrow the height or weight limit for their rear-facing car seat, they should ride in forward-facing car seats with a harness and tether.”

Bottom Line: Don’t switch to a forward-facing car seat too soon.

4. Get within Reach of Hot Liquids

“When my children were toddlers, I was pretty vigilant about scald burns from hot coffee and soup. I had my antennae up all the time, with my eyes constantly darting back and forth between the child and the hot beverage,” says Alan Schroeder, MD, pediatric critical care physician at Stanford Medicine Children’s Health.

According to the American Burn Association, “In children under five years of age, approximately 27-60% of scalds occur from cups/mugs/tableware containing hot liquids; most commonly from a pull-down (48%) or spill (32%) mechanism.”

Small children lack the lived experience and impulse control to prevent a scalding injury. Add in immature motor skills, and you have an accident just waiting to happen. Young children also have thinner dermal layers than adults and will sustain a more severe burn at a lower temperature. Scald burns make up 35% of overall burn injuries admitted to U.S. burn centers; of that number, 61% are in children under five years old. 

Most of us would never leave hot food or drinks within reach of an unsupervised toddler. But if you have a tablecloth or table runner, Daddy’s coffee is just one pull away. Consider packing these items away until the kiddos are a little older.

Bottom line: The U.S. Fire Administration advises parents and caregivers to keep children three feet away from anything that can get hot.

5. Drive (or Ride on) an All Terrain Vehicle (ATV)

“I’d never let my child ride an ATV (especially without a helmet and full body protective padding, which I see all too often). Unfortunately, very young children, even under 10, operate these vehicles, which can cause major traumatic injury in the blink of an eye,” says Dr. Johns.

We get it; there’s nothing quite as thrilling as racing across a field in an ATV. And it can seem like harmless fun if you keep your little speedster on a deserted stretch of road. But the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that children under 16 not be allowed to operate them. ATVs have killed thousands of kids and seriously injured at least a million more. Adult ATVs can weigh almost 600 lbs; the lightest youth-sized ATVs clock in at a little over two 200 lbs. That’s too much machine for your average nine-year-old to control.

Driving an ATV safely requires the same skill level and quick thinking as any other motor vehicle. If you wouldn’t let your tween drive the family car, don’t let them get behind the wheel of an ATV.

Bottom line: Dr. Johns’ verdict is that ATVs are “Too much of a risk for too little a reward, says the pediatric emergency medicine physician, me!”

Related: 5 Pool Products a Pediatrician Mom Would Never Buy

The study followed 1,471 children, half male and half female, and measured their viewing of television or video at 12 months, 18 months, and 24 months of age. This was followed up with a measure of sensory processing at around 33 months, when caregivers filled out surveys about each toddler’s reaction to sensory inputs like lights, textures, and noises.

Babies who watched any television or videos at 12 months of age were twice as likely to experience challenges in processing sensory information appropriately, as compared with their peers. At 18 months, kids with higher levels of screen exposure were found to have both difficulties in processing sensory information as well as a higher motivation to avoid sensory exposure. By 24 months, the researchers saw higher screen time linked to sensation seeking, sensory sensitivity, and sensation-avoiding behaviors.

This comes on the heels of another recent study linking screen time to developmental delays in children. However, the causal relationship between screen time and these negative developmental and sensory outcomes can’t be proven at this time. “Further research is needed to understand the relationship between screen time and specific sensory-related developmental and behavioral outcomes, and whether minimizing early-life exposure can improve subsequent sensory-related outcomes,” says the JAMA Pediatrics study. It’s also important to gather more updated data, since this research started a decade ago when kids were more likely to be watching TV or DVDs rather than tablets or mom’s phone.

“Considering this link between high screen time and a growing list of developmental and behavioral problems, it may be beneficial for toddlers exhibiting these symptoms to undergo a period of screen time reduction, along with sensory processing practices delivered by occupational therapists,” lead author Dr. Karen Heffler, an associate professor of psychiatry in Drexel’s College of Medicine, said in a statement.

Now, we know what some of you may be thinking: Oh great, another study telling me I’m messing up and can’t rely on screen time? But even study researchers wouldn’t take that away from you. The bottom line is, if you think you’re relying on TV time a bit too heavily, try to dial it back. And make sure to mix in lots of family time playing with your baby face-to-face, showing them a wide range of emotions and expressions, reading to them, and engaging with toys. It’s all about balance.

But parenting expert Dr. Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta suggests you try something different to de-escalate the situation when your kid loses it on you—something that’ll work out better for everyone. “I want you to tend to what matters: What matters when your child is super upset is their upset, their regulation. The provocative words are a symptom of the dysregulation.”

@drchelsey_parenting

Replying to @Laura

♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey HaugeZavaleta, PhD

Here are a few suggestions from Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta to recast the situation and respond to your child differently (in every case, saying less is key):

• “Wow—that’s really hard.”
• “You wish I was doing something different.”
•  Or respond in a mono-syllabic or guttural manner with words like, “ugh,” “yikes,” or “ouch.”

Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta explains that what you are trying to avoid is layering more words on top of the provocative moment. “Your child is in a part of the brain that does not process language very effectively.” Your instinct is to take that moment to teach your child other ways to respond more appropriately, but this is not the time for that lesson. If you counter with more words, you’ll likely be on the receiving end of further anger and shouting. Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta suggests that you make a plan to discuss this with your child when the upset has passed and they are more receptive to advice.

“When adults casually remark that a child seems to be driven by their emotions, they are usually quite correct,” explains Signe Whitson, LSW, in Psychology Today. Emotions are controlled by the body’s limbic system—specifically, the amygdala. “When the amygdala perceives any kind of danger, it directs the body to either fight the threat (e.g., through yelling, physical aggression), flee the situation (e.g., by running away, withdrawal), or freeze up (e.g., shutting down emotionally). Fight, flight, and freeze reactions are all brain-directed, instinctual responses, rather than purposeful, willful, or intentionally defiant acts.”

Kids reacting in these provocative ways tend to have less control over their behavior than parents think they do. Often, kids are acting out emotionally because they have not yet developed the language needed to talk about what is going on. While it might be difficult in the moment, parents should say less when their child’s emotions are running high and double back to discuss the interaction later.

Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta shared the “three yeses” technique in a TikTok video that promptly went viral because it’s pretty much genius.

@drchelsey_parenting

My fave tool for big kids and teens. #drchelsey #positiveparenthood #positiveparenting #guidingcooperation #conscious parenting #gentleparenting #attunement #neurodiversechild #coregulation #parentingtips #parentcoach #moms #momsupport #family #consequences #adhdparenting #regulationtok #coregulationtok

♬ original sound – Dr. Chelsey HaugeZavaleta, PhD

“My favorite parenting tool for big kids or teens is called the three yeses,” she says in the video, then goes on to explain, “Let’s say your big kid or teen is mad, upset, frustrated, pissed off at you, all the things. Maybe you have an idea of what you should say or what the consequence should be, what they should do differently, or how to fix it. Maybe you even want to lecture them.”

She continues, “Hold up! We’re going to do the three yeses instead. This is not a tool that’s going to fix everything, but it is a tool that’s going to create connection and we’re going to use the connection to help your big kid or teen regulate and then resolve the issue on their own.”

The key, Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta explains, is to get out of your own perspective and see things from your child’s perspective. Then, give them three statements they can say yes to from their point of view.

She gives an example: A family goes on an annual vacation to a cabin with their grandparents and teen daughter, who has always been able to bring a friend, but because of a last-minute change of plans, she couldn’t this year. So while the rest of the family plays board games downstairs, she’s sequestered herself in a bedroom, refusing to play or hang out. Mom is over her attitude and wants to unplug the WiFi, but instead, she goes to the bedroom to try the three yeses. Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta shares three statements she might try:

1. Wow, you really wanted to bring a friend.
2. You do not want to go downstairs and play those babyish games.
3. You’re counting the days ’til we go home.

And then, parents, you get to be quiet. “If your big kid doesn’t respond but you can feel in the air that there’s a shift, great,” she explains. “This builds the connection just a little bit.” If you’ve got it wrong, you should own up to the misunderstanding and try to get it right, which still opens the door. At that point, mom can ask, “Okay, what can we do here?” and put the ball in the daughter’s court. The daughter can then decide if she wants to rejoin the family for a game, take some time to chill, or whatever else, all in a calmer state knowing that her parent has connected with her and supports her.

Another example is a teen boy who fails his math test. While the parent’s first instinct is to jump to giving a consequence or upping their tutoring hours, Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta encouraged her to try the three yeses first, something like this:

1. You were thinking that you could not study and the time you spent in class was enough.
2. Yah, you thought you’d be able to pass that test because historically you’ve done OK in math.
3. You’re kind of embarrassed about this whole thing and the grade.

While the son didn’t have a big reaction in the moment, later that night he came over to his mom and said, “I didn’t know you loved me.” What a breakthrough moment for this mom and her kid, who clearly felt the closeness she was trying to create. Yes, he still failed his math test and they’ll have to figure out how to prevent that from happening again, but now they can do it through a lens of love and communication.

Dr. Hauge-Zavaleta explains that the statements and connection create a foundation: The kids feel heard and understood, and the parent opens a door to communicate so they can reach an agreement and better understand each other.

No, it’s not a magic bullet that will solve all communication problems, but it’s a smart strategy worth trying—and all it takes is three simple sentences.

While there are plenty of educational, social, and creative benefits to digital screen time, care must be taken to ensure that a child’s digital footprint and online activities are age-appropriate and commensurate with their level of maturity and understanding.

The key to developing healthy online practices is having open and frequent conversations about safety and using the internet responsibly—and initiating these conversations early. “Start talking about online safety with your kids at a young age because it gets harder when they are in their teens, and it becomes more difficult to get between them and their phones,” said Yaron Litwin, digital safety expert and Chief Marketing Officer at Canopy, an AI-powered smart filter that helps protect kids online.

Most experts and parents agree that children shouldn’t have unfettered internet access until at least age 10, but that’s often easier said than done, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Despite the challenges of monitoring your kid’s myriad online activities, some behaviors should be strictly forbidden. For a list of internet safety tips for kids, here are 10 things they should never do online, based on their ages.

Internet Safety Tips for Kids Ages 5 to 8

Don’t have social media profiles: Apps like TikTok and Snapchat may be irresistible to young kids because of the fun social media trends like dance challenges and viral music clips they see older kids creating and participating in, but public social media profiles can open up young children to inappropriate contact, harassment or targeting. The expert consensus is for kids to wait until ages 14 or 15 to create public-facing social media accounts.

Don’t talk to strangers: This advice we often give our kids IRL applies doubly so online because of the dangers of catfishing, trolling, and spoofing. Children should never talk to strangers online, even if the stranger seems friendly. Let your child know in an age-appropriate manner that anyone online can pretend to be someone else, and that predators often target children because of their innocence and openness.

Don’t use the internet without limits or supervision: Screen time has increased exponentially in recent years, especially for young children. Kids need to experience a healthy balance between online and offline activities, and parents can help by establishing clear limits on screen time as well as supervising young children’s online activities.

Related: 10 Reasons Why You Need to Teach Internet Safety to Your Kids

Internet Safety Tips for Kids Ages 8 to 12

Don’t give or share any personal information: In an always-on, digitally connected world, privacy can be challenging to maintain. Children need to learn that personal information—whether it’s their own or family member’s personal information—needs to be held strictly confidential and not shared or given to anyone online. This includes full names, home addresses, phone numbers, school names or locations, passwords, etc. Personal information can be used by predators and criminals to track down children or to commit identity theft. Parents also may want to avoid posting identifiable images of their children online.

Don’t meet up with someone you met exclusively online: Whether it’s on gaming platforms like Roblox or Minecraft, or social messaging apps like WhatsApp, it’s not uncommon for children to develop friendships that are entirely virtual; however, even if your kid has been talking to someone online for a long time and they feel as if they know them well, it’s not safe for kids to meet up in person with online strangers on their own. There’s no way to know for sure who they really are or what their intentions might be.

Don’t cyberbully others: Cyberbullying is just as harmful as bullying in person; it can have a devastating impact on victims. Children should never bully others online, and they should report any cyberbullying they see to a trusted adult.

Related: What to Do When Your Kid Wants a Social Media Account

What to Teach Tweens and Teens About Using the Internet Responsibly

Don’t click links or open attachments from people you don’t know: Unwanted spam that arrives via e-mail or text can be annoying, but trojan horses sent via links or attachments from unknown senders can contain malware and other bugs designed to infect your child’s computer or mobile device and steal personal information or worse. When it comes to stuff that comes from an unknown sender, kids should simply delete it.

Don’t download pirated music, movies, or games: While it may be tempting for your child to download “free” pirated materials from the internet, doing so is illegal and can lead to serious consequences. Copyright holders can pursue legal action, and penalties often are severe. Teach your child how to use legitimate sources to download and purchase movies, music, and games.

Don’t post inappropriate content: Older kids may think posting inappropriate content online is no big deal, but they should be taught never to post anything they wouldn’t want their family, friends, classmates, or teachers (not to mention future employers) to see online. This can include photos, videos, or texts that are sexual in nature, violent, or hateful. It’s useful to remind your tween and teen that everything on the internet is forever.

Internet Safety Tips for Everyone

Don’t believe everything you see or read online: Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t mean it’s true or even real. In our current time, when the digital ecosystem is rife with misinformation, children need to be taught to think critically about the information and materials they find online, and parents can help promote digital media literacy by helping our kids understand what are trusted and reliable sources of information and what’s not.

Related: 10 Cyberbullying Tactics Parents Might Not Know About

Marriage and family therapist Emily De La Torre recently shared some phrases parents can use instead that will be way more effective. Children need to “develop body trust, resilience, confidence, and self-regulation” and you aren’t helping them develop these skills by yelling “Be careful!” every five minutes, she explains.

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A post shared by Emily De La Torre (@mindful_madre)

Some alternatives to “Be careful!” as suggested by @mindful_madre:

• What’s your plan here?
• Do you notice how steep it’s getting?
• I’ll be right here as you figure it out.
• Do you feel stable?
• Take your time.

“Do you notice” phrases are also super helpful in directing kids to acknowledge risks and assess them on their own. These would be questions like:

• Do you notice how that side is slippery?
• Do you notice how weak that branch is?
• Do you notice how close to the edge you are?

“The phrases above deepen creative problem-solving and strengthen a child’s sense of self-agency. The more we allow them to problem-solve, the more they can understand the limits of their body,” De La Torre writes.

Overprotective parents, often dubbed “helicopter parents,” prevent kids from developing a true sense of self and leave them without the skills they need to manage situations on their own as they enter their teen years. Recent studies have shown that helicopter parenting may lead to mental health issues in children, including feelings of anxiety and depression. By making helpful, directed comments instead of shouting “Be careful!” we can get our kids to stop, assess a situation, and proceed appropriately. These skills will benefit them as they move through life without constant parental supervision.

1. “Can you tell me more about why you want_______?”

Taking the time to understand where big feelings are coming from is always time well spent for parents. And digging deeper can sometimes redirect your kid’s attention so you don’t have to utter the dreaded word.

Take it out for a spin when your little one asks for something at the store that’s not on your list. “I hear that you really want those bright pinky, sparkly shoes. Can you tell me more about why you want them?” It can be fun and insightful to delve deeper into the why of your toddler’s demands. And while it may not stop a meltdown in the middle of a bustling store, it lets them know you care.

2. “Oh, I wish we could too, but…”

Just hearing “no” may be jarring to kids, especially for toddlers who are starting to learn how to cope with big feelings. Instead of laying it on, we say let someone else be the bad guy for a change. Who? Who cares! Just as long as you and your kid are on the same team. That’s the beauty of this turn of phrase—it helps you side with your kid while still setting a limit.

Test it out the next time your kid wants to eat dessert first. “Oh, I wish we could have ice cream before dinner too, but we’ve got to eat our healthy dinner first! Plus, Mommy is making a really yummy dinner, and I can’t wait for you to try it. Would you like to help me cook?”

The best part about these phrases is that they don’t have to be used in isolation. Take the above scenario for example. Side with them on the ice cream before dinner, and then give them an opportunity to choose an alternative. “Oh, I wish we could have ice cream before dinner, too, but healthy foods come first. Instead of ice cream, do you want to have a cheese stick or strawberries? You can pick!” Mix and match looks good on you, parents.

Related: 9 Expert Tips to Help Kids Deal with Disappointment

3. “You can…”

Once your kid hits two, we bet you’ve found yourself repeatedly saying things like, “don’t touch that,” “don’t hit,” and “don’t jump on that” to no avail. It’s exhausting! Bottom line: your kid isn’t defiant—they’ve probably just become desensitized by the concept of don’t.

So instead of the instinctive “no, don’t” approach, try replacing your “don’t” with a “you can.” Instead of saying, “don’t climb on the table.” Try out, “I see you want to climb. Tables are for eating, but you can climb at the playground. Do you want to go to the park and play?” Think of this one as the bees-to-honey approach to saying “no” to your kids.

4. “How about _______ instead?”

Never underestimate the power of compromise, especially if you’re a parent. Meeting your kid in the middle can be an easy way to set a limit without too much pushback, and the best part is it works in lots of different situations.

Are the kids trying to push bedtime back when all you want to do is curl up on the couch and catch up on your latest binge-worthy show? The next time they ask if they can stay up late, try to compromise. “I know you want to stay up. We’re having so much fun. How about I set a timer for five more minutes so we can finish playing and you can get a good night’s sleep?” In the grand scheme of things, five minutes is nothing, and your little night owl will feel like it’s a big win.

5. “You choose.”

One of our favorite books these days is What Should Danny Do? The storybook follows superhero Danny as he navigates his day. What do we love about it? It’s a choose-your-own-adventure book where you decide what Danny should do, and his superpower is the power to choose. Instead of shutting down a situation with an unflappable “no,” try instilling Danny’s lessons into your everyday by giving your toddler the power to choose.

Did your opinionated toddler wake up and decide last night’s pjs are the outfit of the day? Instead of the requisite, “No, you can’t wear that,” lean into the power to choose with something like, “I love those pajamas, but you wore them all night. How about we choose a different outfit together? You have the power to choose! Here are a few options. Which one do you like the best?”

This handy phrase can work for spats over playdates as well. “We can’t go to the zoo today, but we can do something else that’s super fun together. You have the power to choose. Would you like to go to the park or walk aimlessly through Target with me?” Voila! It’s a win-win.

Related: 5 Ways to Deal with Toddler Tantrums (Without Losing Your Cool)

6. “We’ll see.”

Sometimes it’s best to leave it vague. That’s the power of this simple phrase. It works especially well for those in-the-moment questions that don’t actually happen in the moment. Questions like: “Can I have a playdate with so-and-so next week?” or “Can I go to the zoo on my birthday?” are easily put off until a later date with a simple “We’ll see.” You can even zhuzh it up a bit with excited exclamations like, “Oh, going to the zoo on your birthday does sound like fun. We’ll see.”

7. “Maybe another time.”

For those moments when you have to say “no” but you could have just as easily said “yes” if the circumstances were different, lean in with this phrase. If the kids want to head over to a friend’s house to play after the park, but it just isn’t gonna happen, let them know by saying, “Maybe another time you can.” The next time they want to get a really cool toy, or invite a friend over to play, or head to the park when you’ve got a work call or errands to run, reassure them that there will be another day, so maybe they can…another time.

8. “I’ll think about it.”

There’s nothing wrong with taking some time to think. And when you pull this one out with kids, you’re showing them the truth in that. They don’t have to know it’s just another way to say “no” in the moment without causing an uproar. Why? Because you’ve left the door of possibility open.

The next time you’re grocery shopping and your kids succumb to the store’s must-have product placement, tell them you’ll think about it. “Can we please get these ice cream sandwiches?” becomes a much easier question to answer when you help your kids delay gratification by saying, “I’ll think about it.” And then keep on moving. Just remember, this one works best with big kids.

We are here on a mission. We have not only graduated from the possibility of my daughter, Jordan, never speaking, but we are also moving toward functional life skills. My daughter has proudly remembered the four things we need to buy. She has spent all week working on identifying them and is here to generalize the skill in the grocery store. Today’s haul includes strawberries, milk, popsicles, and chocolate chip muffins.

Aisle #1: “Looks like you have your hands full” greets us in the produce aisle.

“Yes, it’s our first time without the stroller,” I hear my chipper voice respond.

“Strawberries!” My daughter spots item number one. Off they go.

They have each put five cartons of blueberries into the shopping cart, but they are not tall enough to drop them gently, so there is now an avalanche of tiny spherical berries surrounding the cart. Twin B sits on the floor to start eating them. “Yum berries.” Twin A can’t stop giggling and our fearless leader is shouting, “Not on the list. Only Strawberries.”

Aisle #2: I have bribed Twin A to sit in the front of the shopping cart with the stolen remnants of the berries I couldn’t return into the package. This is a gentle reminder for consumers to wash their fruit before they eat it.

I have now bribed Twin B with a lollipop to sit in the grocery cart while Twin A insists on pushing the cart while I carry him. My daughter is leading us toward the milk aisle. We walk past a maintenance worker and a full butt crack showing as he bends over the lobster tank.

“Look, Mommy, tushie.”

“Yes, honey, I see it—let’s move ahead.” I grab the milk with my other arm, throw it in the cart, and we head towards item number three.

Aisle #4: Everyone is now sitting inside the cart, with squished blueberries on their pants, devouring the box of popsicles we just located. I go back to get a second box. Of course, I left the wipes in the car.

As we approach the final aisle, I compliment my daughter on her strong shopping skills. This is a big deal for her, and we have to finish the entire task to make the lesson stick. She is the most excited for item number four. The chocolate chip muffins. I, too, have never been more excited to purchase an item, because it means we can go home.

We turn the corner and I can see, like a glaring spotlight, they are sold out.

“What about blueberry muffins? They are delicious.”

“No! The list says chocolate chip!”

If you have ever been around a child, let alone one with special needs, the space between the expectation and the reality is frankly—painful. I was ready to handle the breakdown. I had my contingency plan in place. I mean I wasn’t too far from the beer aisle.

“Mommy.” She takes a deep inhale. “No muffins. Let’s go home. My list done.”

This momentous occasion practically makes me float out of the grocery store. (And for the record, not only did we not float, we disrupted an entire display of candy bars, Twin B signed the credit card receipt, and my daughter sang an inappropriate song.)

We pile into the car a full 50 minutes after we had arrived. Four items in our bag. As I buckle the last car seat, I hear a man shout from behind his steering wheel.

“Hey Lady!”

“Yes?”

“Hey. I saw you in there.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. It was our first time—”

“You are a terrific mother. Have a great day.”

Thank you, kind stranger. I will have a great day. You have no idea how much of a success this was for us. I’m also going to figure out how to turn strawberries, milk, and popsicles into a meal—because while we were at the grocery store, I didn’t have any time to get dinner.

1. They’re growing 

Sometimes we underestimate just how much food our kids need to fuel their growing bodies. Your kiddo will go through several growth spurts during their childhood and adolescence—the major one occurring between 8 to 13 years in girls and 10 to 15 years in boys—and sometimes they just need more fuel to keep up. Especially if you’ve got a tween or teenager, puberty can hit like a ton of bricks, turning them into reckless kitchen raiders in search of all the grub. You’ll start noticing them growing out of their clothing or shoes, voice changes, hair growth, emotional changes (mood swings! eye-rolling!), and maybe they’re sleeping past noon whenever they get the chance.

While toddler growth spurts aren’t as drastic as the one during puberty, your tot may have a few mini periods of growth between ages 1 and 3. There may be times when they ask for seconds at dinner (hooray!), sleep for longer stretches, or complain that their legs hurt (growing pains). 

The solve:

• Serve foods high in calories: Think beef, eggs, cheese, avocado, and peanut butter. 
• Cut out those light, airy snacks that don’t have too many calories per serving, like popcorn and puffs. Instead, offer calorie-dense foods like granola, protein bars, trail mix, beef jerky, or peanut butter sandwiches.
• Add calorie boosters to their food: Olive oil, avocado oil, coconut oil, melted butter, and nut butter can also be easily swirled into their yogurt and oatmeal or slathered on toast.
• Reduce distractions at mealtime: When your kiddo is preoccupied with the TV, phone, or other electronics it may divert their attention away from their food.

2. They’re not eating the right foods

Your kiddo may be eating more frequently because the food they’re munching on isn’t actually filling them up, so instead of feeling satisfied after a meal or snack, they’re hungry again 20 minutes later. Plus, they may be snacking on foods that spike their blood sugar (candy, juice, cookies!), which means they’re hungry again soon after.

The solve:

• Offer foods loaded with protein and fat, which will keep them energized and full, and keep their blood sugar in check. Foods high in protein include chicken, beef, fish, Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, and chickpea pasta. Fatty foods include cheese, nuts and nut butter, seeds, avocado, and butter. 
• Include fiber-rich ingredients, which will keep your kids full between meals. Think of fiber-rich foods as the hearty stuff like quinoa, rolled oats, brown rice, or whole-wheat tortillas. A quick tip when grocery shopping—always look for the word “whole” before the grain on the ingredient list. If it says “wheat” or “enriched wheat,” that’s not what you want.
• When offering treats and desserts that can spike your kiddo’s blood sugar, pair them with protein and fat to keep them full and keep their blood sugar in check. For example, give their bowl of ice cream a nutritional boost by mixing some chia seeds or flaxseeds in with their rainbow sprinkles, or swirling in some peanut or almond butter.

3. They’re grazing 

If your kid can freely raid the snack drawer or if you don’t have set times for meals and snacks, chances are they’re probably grazing throughout the day. In doing so, they’re coming to meals less hungry and eating less of the foods that matter more. As a result, they’re filling up on flimsier snacks and not getting enough food to fill their belly. Over time, constantly snacking can mess with their ability to tell when they’re genuinely hungry or full, making them rely on external cues (like convenience or boredom) over their hunger signals.  

The solve:

• Establish regular meal and snack times to make it easier for kids to know when it’s time to eat. Toddlers and young kids haven’t quite mastered the ability to judge for themselves.
• Store snacks out of reach of little kids so they can’t grab them whenever they want. 
• Have an open conversation with tweens and teens, because with bigger kids it’s less about setting strict boundaries. Explain why grazing isn’t the best idea to help put things into perspective so that when they open the snack drawer, they’re actually hungry.

4. They’re bored or stuck in a routine

Kids may turn to food when they’re bored because, well, it’s something to do. Over time this can turn into a bad habit, and they may snack on foods when they’re not actually hungry. Other kids are used to snacking at specific times, like in the car on the way to soccer practice or when they get home from school. They may nibble on something simply because it’s “snack time,” a part of their routine, and not because they are genuinely hungry. Breaking the association between a specific time, habit, or external cue and eating could be the first step toward putting an end to this type of snacking.

The solve:

• Offer planned meals or snacks, every two to three hours. According to the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, kids should receive three meals and about 1 to 2 snacks per day. In a twelve-hour period, that means a meal or snack every two to three hours. 
• Limit eating to designated locations such as the kitchen or dining room. This way, eating in the car, on the couch, or in their bedroom is off-limits. Plus, it’s one step closer to disassociating food from boredom.
• Keep food out of sight, tucked away in drawers or the pantry. Sometimes kids will ask for a snack simply because it’s in their line of vision.

If you get to the bottom of why your kid is always hungry, you’ll be able to help them find a routine that works. Lucky for you, you may also be pleasantly surprised by fewer trips to the grocery shopping and fewer hangry children demanding snacks. 

Just as a heads up, if your kiddo’s appetite suddenly swings in either direction, it could indicate an underlying medical condition, so be sure to consult their pediatrician to see what’s up. 

“Researchers found that if you implement this one small thing in your child’s life, they’re more likely to be happy as adults, they have more empathy towards other people, and they’re more successful in their careers,” Williams, who is also a father of five, explained. “Having your children do chores gives them a sense of self-worth, and it helps them to realize that they’re contributing to a larger ecosystem. They become more selfless. They become more willing and able to see the needs of other people around them. Chores also strengthen family bonds with siblings and with parents, and chores help to instill a better work ethic, which translates pretty well into school and career success.”

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The study that Dr. Williams refers to is an oft-cited one. Researchers from Harvard followed a group of men starting in the 1930s—one-third are Harvard graduates and two-thirds are inner-city youths from Boston—to try to determine psychosocial aspects of their childhood that could predict success and well-being later in life. One of the connections the researchers found was that kids who did chores at home tended to stay out of trouble and get onto better developmental paths. Researchers hypothesized it was because doing chores helped the kids feel a sense of community—that they were pitching in, their participation mattered, and they were responsible for more than just themselves.

It’s important to note that the Harvard study only followed men, so take that as you will. But does that mean you shouldn’t give your kids chores? Of course not! Learning to help out around the house is great for kids, regardless of their age or gender.