1. Consistency is key when it comes to your toddler’s bedtime routine.

Yup, multiple sleep medicine reviews agree that a consistent bedtime routine can have huge benefits for toddlers. We see better sleep (longer stretches, fewer wake-ups, earlier bedtimes), improved development (language, literacy, emotional regulation), and even more positive family functioning. Toddlers love routines and rituals—once they become habit, they’re rarely challenged.

Routines give children structure, reduce anxiety, and remove the “what’s next?” worry at the end of the day. Plus, when your child knows exactly what happens before bed, they’re less likely to push boundaries—because mom and dad are consistent.

2. Visual Bedtime Routines are easiest for toddlers to understand.

A visual schedule is simply your evening routine presented in pictures—think of a chart or sequence of images showing each step. It’s something that toddlers of all ages and language abilities can easily follow.

 

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The benefits are huge:

• Clear expectations = more cooperation
• Reduced stress and anxiety
• Easier transitions between activities
• Improved understanding of time and sequencing
• A boost in independence and self-esteem
• Support for literacy if you add words to the pictures

Dr Golly especially loves charts that toddlers can interact with—folding up a card, ticking off with a whiteboard marker, or adding a sticker for each step. And remember, these kinds of visual sequences can work wonders in other areas too, like morning routines or even just the steps to getting dressed.

3. Consistency is key, but you’ll also want to keep things upbeat.

Wherever you are and whoever’s looking after your child, the steps of your bedtime routine should be the same. But it’s also super helpful to remember that this shouldn’t be a tense or negative exercise. Dr Golly stresses three ways to keep things light:

Be patient: These are new skills, and toddlers may need verbal and physical guidance at first.
Track small wins: Let them mark off each task with stickers or ticks.
Use positive reinforcement: Praise, rewards, or a star chart can help. Maybe a little prize for one night completed, and a bigger reward for five nights in a row!

4. Dr Golly’s ideal bedtime routine consists of eight steps.

Every family’s steps will be different—some may include prayer, eczema cream, or even small household chores for older toddlers. But his standard routine, which works for most families, goes like this:

1. Eat dinner
2. Bath
3. PJs
4. Brush teeth
5. Toilet
6. Book
7. Kiss and cuddle
8. Sleep (ideally independently)

You can download a free copy of Dr Golly’s Toddler Bedtime routine here.

5. Stick to the same order every night (well, as much as possible—these are toddlers, after all).

The routine works best if it follows the steps in the same sequence each night. That being said, it’s not a disaster if your toddler goes to the toilet before brushing their teeth. Aim for a natural order that suits your household.

6. Avoid screens well before bedtime.

Dr Golly doesn’t recommend any screen time in the two hours before bed. The goal is to keep things calm and help your toddler wind down.

7. When things have gone sideways, prioritize your bedtime.

Both the actual time you put your child to bed and the routine itself matter, but if you have to choose, a consistent bedtime is more important than squeezing in every step of the routine. Don’t push bedtime back just to fit it all in. If you’re short on time, move through the steps a little quicker—without rushing—so everyone stays relaxed.

8. You don’t have to use the visual bedtime chart forever.

Most families use it for a few weeks until habits form. Then it becomes part of everyday life. If things go off track (which is totally normal), you can bring it back out to reinforce expectations.

Want more advice like this?
If your tot won’t fall asleep without you, you’re far from the exception—this is very common. Dr Golly’s Toddler Sleep Program has all the gentle strategies to help your child develop healthy, independent sleep habits, so you can have your evenings back

It’s been four years since Dove released this stat, but it feels just as chilling.

Posing, filters, edits, AI apps… these days, it couldn’t be easier to completely change the way you look in posts. Smoother skin, narrower noses, fuller lips, smaller waists, bigger hips, slimmer arms—and along come our daughters and sons, who have never known the world any other way and whose developing brains are internalizing all these unrealistic standards.

What a time to be a parent, hey? As a content creator with experience working in mental health and as a youth leader, I’ve seen how much social media can distort people’s perceptions and harm their mental well-being. And I see you, all of you parents, trying to navigate this scary new world.

The good news is, I think I can help. As I sit here in a coffee shop with my baby asleep in the pushchair next to me (that’s a stroller for the North American folks), I want to stress that as a caregiver in 2025, you have more influence in your children’s lives than it sometimes feels.

So here are a few things I’d suggest that can guide your family’s relationship with tech and model healthy behavior.

1. Never use filters on your own photos (especially ones with your kids in them).

You know those “innocent” filters that turn you into a cute animal? Most of the time, even they smooth your skin and change your features. So we might unintentionally be sending the message to our littles that even their primary caregivers are altering their appearances to conform to beauty standards. If we stop using filters and editing, they can look up to parents who accept themselves for who they are. How powerful!

2. Point it out when you see a photo that’s probably been manipulated.

“Everyone else has perfect, unblemished skin.”
“I’m the only one who doesn’t look like that.”
“I need to buy all these products influencers are promoting, and then I’ll look like they do.”

How will they know if we don’t tell them? To our eyes, it’s perhaps more obvious when a photo is edited or AI because we haven’t grown up in this filtered world. Let’s help train their awareness of what they’re consuming, so they can be kinder to their real self in the mirror.

3. Talk about what people choose to post on social—and what’s probably left out.

Did you know that large retail brands have had to change their return policies because people are placing massive orders, showing haul videos online, wearing the clothes for pictures, and then returning them?

From seemingly lavish lifestyles to bodies posed and contorted to look thinner (or whatever the latest ‘beauty trend’ is), so much of what we see is far from reality. People take 100 photos to choose just one to upload…

When we see a glimpse into people’s lives online, it’s easy to forget that we don’t see 99.9% of what’s actually going on for them. For our own well-being, as well as our children’s, we need to continuously remind our brains that what we’re scrolling through doesn’t reflect real life. Seeing ‘perfection’ at every turn needs to be called out, otherwise we can forget, a discontentment with our own lives can fester, and our mental health can be seriously impacted.

4. Keep the conversation open: social media, AI, cyberbullying, and mental health.

It’s hard to believe, but there are now ‘AI influencers’—accounts of people showing their amazing lives and being paid for brand deals, but they’re not even real. It’s becoming harder to tell what’s human and what’s not. What a minefield.

Talk about this with your children. Keep tabs on cyberbullying at their school. Stay on top of Snapchat, where evidence of conversations disappears (also a feature newly available on WhatsApp). Regularly check in to see if they’re feeling addicted to their device.

Open conversations around a screen-free dinner table can make such a difference, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time.

5. You get to choose what you post online of your kids—and where.

Something I find myself reflecting on frequently when I scroll is the impact of childhoods being shared on social media. What will that feel like for them when they’re grown up?

As a response to the trend of ‘sharenting’ (parents publicly sharing kids online), I think we’re now starting to see a movement of parents putting their kids’ privacy first and protecting their digital footprints. This means less potential for identity theft, future bullying, career implications, embarrassment, or photos just generally getting into the wrong hands.

I’ve been using Tinybeans for months now (try it here!), which gives me total peace of mind that the only people seeing my daughter’s photos are the ones I choose. I still want to collect the story of her childhood in a beautiful way, but not at the expense of her privacy. When she’s older, she can then choose who sees her photos.

So here’s to our children growing up knowing that they are loved just as they are, even in this rapidly changing world.

From day one, I couldn’t stop snapping pics: that milk-drunk smile, a close-up of those genetically blessed lashes, a nap in the tightest swaddle I could muster. While I didn’t post every single one of my 50-something dailies, I kept up a steady pace that let everyone see what we were up to and where we were strolling. Before long, it was on to the toddler stage—capturing sneaky smiles, playground treks, food-covered faces, and occasional (sure… let’s stick with that) meltdowns.

I lived to give little updates on our adventures. Here we are grabbing ice cream! And in the car ride home after a day at the beach! Was it a mistake to attempt a restaurant? Look at this chaos and you tell me (in the comments)! I became obsessed with posting just enough and exactly the right mix of shots and videos to chronicle our perfectly imperfect life.

During every event or outing, there was a part of me that was thinking ahead to later that evening, when I could batch together the best snapshots so the people could see what we were up to. The compulsion to put our family on display was so strong and such a common practice that I never stopped to think, Maybe just don’t share for a change?

So as a challenge, that’s exactly what I did. What difference could it really make, I wondered. I quickly realized it was huge.

I haven’t gotten into an argument with a kid over an outfit and have stopped caring how they look.

We are not—and have never been—a matchy-matchy, perfectly ironed and color-coordinated family. That’s just a fashionable bridge too far. But there have been several times when my daughter demanded to wear a ratty old rainbow shirt that had seen (much) better days, and I cajoled her into wearing something “nicer.”

Did it really matter? Not at all! But for some reason, I didn’t want the ‘Gram to see her in that tired top for the third time in a row and assume I never did laundry. Now that I’m done posting, she can wear whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and I don’t give it a second thought.

I haven’t gotten bummed about how many likes I’ve gotten.

More likes = more love, right? Obviously not. But there’s an undeniable dopamine burst when you see those hearts and comments popping up after you’ve posted the sweetest/silliest/most hilarious pic or reel. You’ve nailed it! The people love it—and you! And your family!

Except when it feels like they don’t. Was my caption not clever enough? Did I come off as unlikeable or out of touch? The truth is, you’ll never know. It may even just be what the algorithm felt like serving up today. But not constantly checking in and reacting to the “success” of a post is even more freeing than you can imagine.

I haven’t felt like a failure after not getting the “perfect shot.”

No family is perfect. We’ve all internalized that message by now, yes? Social is simply a highlight reel, we are all just putting on performances, and so on and so forth. But it’s one thing to logically know it and another to see story after story of kids that seem to be just a bit happier and funnier and more well-traveled and sun-kissed than your own.

Related: My Insta “Friends” Are Mostly Strangers Now—and As a Mom, It’s Weirding Me Out

There used to be days when I drove myself crazy because one of my kids refused to open their eyes in what would otherwise be a perfect sunset shot. Or because we had a day when everyone genuinely got along (!), but I didn’t get any proof of the sibling sweetness on film. In relinquishing my role as documentarian, I finally learned to stop caring—and comparing. As it turns out, my kids are actual human beings with their own emotions and facial expressions, who can squint and be unphotogenic goofballs whenever they please.

I haven’t stress-eaten ice cream after doomscrolling about predators. (I’ve stress-eaten ice cream for other reasons, like sleep regressions and unrelenting potty talk.)

To be honest, creepers weren’t always at the top of my list of concerns. But the more I read, the more disturbed I was to discover stories of stolen identities and scams tied to unsuspecting families. The idea that someone could just pluck images from your life to build lies around and do with as they please is beyond unnerving—and something we should all think about a bit more. Not to mention that plenty of the acquaintances you “friended” over the years are kind of… strangers now. And not necessarily people I want to see my day-to-day whereabouts.

I’ve stopped worrying about where my photos will end up.

Confession: I have never taken the time to read through the dozens and dozens of pages of terms and conditions for the various platforms and apps I use before agreeing to them. (I’m going to guess you’re in the same boat.) So concerns about who owns my images, where my photos and videos might ultimately land, and what future searches might surface them are all valid. It’s murky territory, and it’s terrifying. Taking the step to remove myself and my family’s likenesses from public-facing platforms (as much as is possible)—and instead opting for private photo-sharing on Tinybeans—is something that helps me sleep better at night. And it’s a decision I’ll never regret making.

1. Swim Alone

“Never allow a child to swim alone, no matter how old. This one is definitely at the top of my list of things I’d never let my child do. As a pediatric emergency medicine [doctor], I have seen drowning in children of all ages in all types of bodies of water—deep and shallow,” says Dr. Christina Johns, Senior Medical Advisor at PM Pediatric Care.

Refusing to let your kids swim alone might make you as popular as the Grinch at Christmas, but statistics back up this rule. According to the Centers for Disease Control, drowning in a pool, body of water, or bathtub is the leading cause of death in children aged 1-4 and the second leading cause of death for children aged 5-14. 

Related: 5 Pool Toys a Pediatrician Mom Would Never Buy

The tween in your life might argue that they’ll wear a life jacket, but stand your ground. Life jackets (also called Personal Flotation Devices or PFDs) are (literal) lifesavers. However, if you’re alone, it’s still possible to drown while wearing one. According to CDR Kim Pickens, U. S. Coast Guard Reserve Operation BoatSmart Project Officer, in the article The Other 20%–When Wearing a Life Jacket Is Not Enough, “the more comfortable PFDs—those labeled as Type III or some Type V PFDs—will not turn an unconscious victim face up, at least not consistently. What most such PFDs will do (all but manually activated inflatables) is bring the person, whether unconscious or not, back up to the surface, enabling those nearby to quickly bring the victim to safety.” But that will only work if there’s someone around to get the tween’s face out of the water.

Bottom line: Supervise your crew when they swim, use life jackets in large bodies of water, and make sure the junior paddleboarders and canoers in your life always go out in a group.

2. Go Helmetless

“My child always wears a helmet when biking, roller skating, and skiing to protect her from head injury. As a pediatric EM physician and head injury researcher, I see the very serious consequences of unhelmeted head injuries and am vigilant in protecting my daughter (and her brain) from preventable injury,” says Angela Lumba-Brown, MD, pediatric emergency medicine physician at Stanford Medicine Children’s Health. 

With more than 26,000 children visiting an ER yearly for head injuries, wearing a helmet is a no-brainer. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Wearing a helmet can decrease the risk of head injuries by about 85% and facial injuries by about 65% among bicyclists.” Wearing a helmet is like using a seatbelt. You hope never to need it, but you’ll be grateful it’s there in an accident. 

Children are less likely to complain if their caregivers are wearing helmets too. Adaira Landry, MD, MEd, emergency medicine at Brigham and Women’s Hospital and Assistant Professor at Harvard Medical School, gets the whole family involved in safety. “We always ride bikes and scooters with helmets. This risk of head and face injury is nonzero for young kids who are still learning balance and speed,” she says.  

The US Consumer Product Safety Commission recommends using specialized helmets. Buying multiple helmets might sound like overkill, but activity-specific head gear “protect[s] your head from the kind of impacts typically associated with a particular activity or sport.” In other words, a bike helmet won’t protect your little hockey hero from a puck to the head. So get the right tool for the job.

Bottom line: As Dr. Landry says, “When it comes to raising adventurous children, there is a balance between excitement and risk. I want my kids to be daring and face challenges—and that can be done safely.” Helmets keep kids safe and are cheaper than reconstructive surgery.

3. Ride Forward Facing in a Car Before Age 3

“I would never let my two-year-old toddler ride in a forward-facing car seat–all babies and young toddlers should be in a rear-facing car seat up until they’re three years old or until they reach the weight and height max of their seat. Despite their cries and protest, keeping them rear-facing may mean the difference between life and death in an accident,” says Alok Patel, MD, a pediatric hospitalist at Stanford Medicine Children’s Health.

Car accidents are the second leading cause of death in children aged 1-4, after drowning. National Safety Counsel advises drivers to keep “…3-year-olds in rear-facing car seats for as long as possible. Once children outgrow the height or weight limit for their rear-facing car seat, they should ride in forward-facing car seats with a harness and tether.”

Bottom Line: Don’t switch to a forward-facing car seat too soon.

4. Get within Reach of Hot Liquids

“When my children were toddlers, I was pretty vigilant about scald burns from hot coffee and soup. I had my antennae up all the time, with my eyes constantly darting back and forth between the child and the hot beverage,” says Alan Schroeder, MD, pediatric critical care physician at Stanford Medicine Children’s Health.

According to the American Burn Association, “In children under five years of age, approximately 27-60% of scalds occur from cups/mugs/tableware containing hot liquids; most commonly from a pull-down (48%) or spill (32%) mechanism.”

Small children lack the lived experience and impulse control to prevent a scalding injury. Add in immature motor skills, and you have an accident just waiting to happen. Young children also have thinner dermal layers than adults and will sustain a more severe burn at a lower temperature. Scald burns make up 35% of overall burn injuries admitted to U.S. burn centers; of that number, 61% are in children under five years old. 

Most of us would never leave hot food or drinks within reach of an unsupervised toddler. But if you have a tablecloth or table runner, Daddy’s coffee is just one pull away. Consider packing these items away until the kiddos are a little older.

Bottom line: The U.S. Fire Administration advises parents and caregivers to keep children three feet away from anything that can get hot.

5. Drive (or Ride on) an All Terrain Vehicle (ATV)

“I’d never let my child ride an ATV (especially without a helmet and full body protective padding, which I see all too often). Unfortunately, very young children, even under 10, operate these vehicles, which can cause major traumatic injury in the blink of an eye,” says Dr. Johns.

We get it; there’s nothing quite as thrilling as racing across a field in an ATV. And it can seem like harmless fun if you keep your little speedster on a deserted stretch of road. But the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that children under 16 not be allowed to operate them. ATVs have killed thousands of kids and seriously injured at least a million more. Adult ATVs can weigh almost 600 lbs; the lightest youth-sized ATVs clock in at a little over two 200 lbs. That’s too much machine for your average nine-year-old to control.

Driving an ATV safely requires the same skill level and quick thinking as any other motor vehicle. If you wouldn’t let your tween drive the family car, don’t let them get behind the wheel of an ATV.

Bottom line: Dr. Johns’ verdict is that ATVs are “Too much of a risk for too little a reward, says the pediatric emergency medicine physician, me!”

Related: 5 Pool Products a Pediatrician Mom Would Never Buy

Even if they do understand (or at least try to), that doesn’t mean it feels good or comes easy. That’s why we’ve enlisted a few experts to offer tips for parents when it comes to helping kids learn how to deal with disappointment. 

1. Empathize with their feelings.

Licensed professional clinical counselor Melissa Marote says that, first and foremost, it’s essential to validate your kids’ feelings; really empathize with what they’re going through. Listen to their feelings and respond with things like, “This must be frustrating.” You should avoid compounding the negativity, however. As you discuss the things your kids are missing out on, Marote explains, try to put a positive spin on it. For example, encourage your kids to save up their excitement for all the things they will eventually get to do in the future.

2. Give them reassurance.

Child development expert and creator of The Moodsters Denise Daniels, RN, MS, tells us that it’s important to remind kids that this is only temporary—the playdate will happen when it isn’t raining, and they’ll have the opportunity to try out for the team next season. It might be hard for young kids to picture life beyond the current day or week, but still, Daniels suggests having kids make a list of things they want to do in the future because there will always be another opportunity to try. 

3. Teach self-calming skills.

Emotions can run high when kids are anxious and sad. Teaching kids how to calm down and manage their feelings is an essential tool for how to deal with anxiety. Marote suggests giving kids a breathing technique to oxygenate the brain and help kids think more clearly. Show your kids how to take a deep breath in and then blow out, like they’re blowing out birthday candles or making bubbles. For younger kids, blowing real bubbles is another excellent method, Marote says.

One more tip for the little kids: talking to a stuffed animal. Kids are so close and connected to their stuffed animals, which makes them a great comfort for kids who are dealing with hard feelings. Tell your kids, “Talk to your teddy bear about how sad you are,” Marote says.

4. Give them a choice.

So, a trip to the indoor playground or a group trip with friends to a nearby amusement park is out. Naturally, your kids will be disappointed, but you can give them some power (especially when they’re smaller and they feel like they have none) by offering them a choice. “Our plans have changed, and your outing with friends has to be postponed. What if you pick the movie for family movie night and we’ll look for another day that works for the group?”

5. Redirect focus.

For kids that become very hyper-focused on negative feelings, it can be helpful to use distraction techniques when learning how to deal with disappointment, Marote says. Suggest an impromptu game of “I, Spy” or get creative by asking kids to draw a picture about how they’re feeling. Other ideas include reading a funny book or watching a silly video, asking them trivia questions, and telling them jokes. This is especially important when it’s close to bedtime and you’re trying to keep things positive before sleep.

6. Don’t fix it.

This is a hard one. Whether you want to make your kids feel better or you figure you can just take care of it (fix the toy, help find the sock, bring the forgotten homework to school), it’s more effective to act as a guide when kids are learning how to deal with disappointment, according to PBS. Ask questions that will help them troubleshoot what happened and how they feel about the problem. “How did you feel when that happened? What do you wish had happened instead? How can we turn this into something good?

7. Stick with your normal routine.

In times of stress, encourage kids to keep regular times of going to bed, eating meals, and doing homework, Daniels says. Having a basic plan for the day is essential because kids thrive on predictability. When something doesn’t work out, at least they’ll know what should happen down the line. 

8. Find time to have special moments.

If your kids are bummed because they can’t attend their friend’s birthday or their favorite ice cream flavor isn’t available or they missed the final shot on goal, take the opportunity to plan something else fun. This doesn’t mean you have to take them to the amusement park or invest tons of money; just spend quality time together and you’ll see their moods lift.  

9. Don’t underestimate the power of hugs.

Close contact, like hugs, can go a long way to providing kids with comfort when they’re learning how to deal with disappointment. That way, they’ll know you might not fix the problem, but you’ll always be there to offer comfort. Marote also suggests encouraging younger kids to hug their stuffies when they’re feeling sad or anxious. If you’re dealing with disappointed tweens or teens, look for signs that they’re ready for a hug or having you in their personal space. If it doesn’t happen, remember that being nearby and ready to listen is just as important. 

Related: 9 ‘Harmless’ Phrases That Hurt Kids More Than You Think

—with additional reporting by Gabby Cullen

It can be easy to let the days slide by without being intentional in our communication with our kids. But when you have a moment to slow down and focus, here are eight different ways you can tell your daughter how amazing she is, instill a measure of self-confidence, and cheer her on to become the best possible version of herself.

1. Catch her doing something good.

As parents, it’s natural to spend a lot of time correcting our kids or pointing out mistakes. Flip the switch and look for something positive.

“I really appreciate that you put the dishes in the dishwasher after school, and not just the sink.”

“Thanks for helping your brother with that math problem.”

“You only slept in five minutes past your alarm! Great job.”

Positive affirmation is contagious; she may start doing the same with you!

2. Point out something positive in a negative situation.

Failure is part of life, especially for people like pioneers or entrepreneurs who are stepping out on limbs, taking risks, and forging new paths. If you want a daughter who’s not afraid to fail, begin to assuage that fear by helping her see the upside of something that was less than successful.

“Well, we didn’t sell much lemonade, but your idea to sell those chewy brownies was brilliant. The one customer we did have needed two more cups of lemonade to wash it down!”

When children feel good about themselves and know that you’re okay with trying and failing (and encourage it, versus not trying new things at all), they’re more willing to persevere and take new risks.

3. “What are your roses, thorns, and buds today?”

At dinnertime or before bed, ask your daughter about one of her day’s successes (a rose), one problem or mistake (a thorn), and one thing she is looking forward to tomorrow (bud). You can share yours, too. It’ll help her see that there are peaks and valleys throughout life, and success isn’t about avoiding the downturns; it’s about how you handle them, bounce back, and move forward.

4. Show her the big picture.

If she wonders why she needs to take math even though she wants to write children’s books someday, or she complains about gym class and says she’s not a “natural athlete,” talk about why math skills and fitness are important in life, no matter what career path she chooses.

Sometimes kids can be a little myopic in their view of the world, but you can help encourage your daughter to see the bigger picture. Sometimes the answer to “Why do I have to take this class?!” is simply, “To learn how to learn. Learning new things is something you’ll do for the rest of your life, and every single class you take can help you become a better learner.”

5. “What’s your plan?”

Ask her about how she plans on solving problems on her own. (The problems she’s capable of handling independently, anyway.)

“Mom, my soccer jersey is dirty, and I have a game tomorrow!” Instead of rifling through her hamper yourself, maybe answer, “That seems like something you’ll need to take care of in the next 12 to 24 hours then. What’s your plan?” Or, let’s say she’s promised the neighbors she’ll babysit for them on Saturday, but now she wants to back out because she got invited to a birthday party. “Hmm. How do you think it would be best to handle that?”

Problem-solving is an important and valuable skill for anyone.

6. Help her identify her passions.

She might not know yet what it is that gets her pumped up or makes her heart beat fast (which is normal, of course), so helping her identify those things could be very helpful and supportive. “Hey, I noticed that you got a little choked up when we watched that video about the rescue dog. What would you think about volunteering at the Humane Society once a month?” Or, “I love that you like to help me with dinner! Maybe we should take a cooking class together?”

7. “I’m proud of you.”

It’s one thing to praise or celebrate her accomplishments, but what about her character?

“You’re such a loyal friend, I’m so proud of how supportive and encouraging you are.”

“When you hugged your sister after her bad day at school yesterday, I was so proud of you. You have a big, compassionate heart.”

Most of us—kids especially—indulge in too much negative self-talk. When you tell your kids what’s great about them, you interrupt that internal negative loop and help build their self-confidence.

8. “I believe in you.”

Think about it for a second: Who was the last person who said that to you? A parent, your spouse, maybe a mentor? Those are four powerful words that probably aren’t spoken enough. And if you’ve ever heard them, they likely lifted your spirits, ignited a fire, re-fueled a waning determination, or simply gave you the chutzpah you needed to tackle a project or face an intimidating challenge.

Whether your daughter is risk-averse or a little daredevil, whether she’s innovative or prefers the status quo, whether she’s ready to take on the world or needs a nudge out of her comfort zone—she needs to hear this from you.

This post originally appeared on The Startup Squad.

Luckily, a simple swap can make all the difference!

 

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“Tell your daughters they’re ‘beautiful’ when they’re being authentic; tell them they look ‘fancy’ when they’re getting dressed up,” she says.

Indra explains how she came to this conclusion with a little anecdote from her time as a stepmom to little girls. “I remember my stepdaughters were very young, and they had dressed in these princess dresses and done their makeup and hair, and they were coming down the stairs. I was about to be like, ‘Well, don’t you look beautiful!'” But just then, her sister-in-law jumped in and told the girls instead that they “look so fancy!” Then she gave Indra a knowing little wink.

“Later she brought this up, this idea that when your daughters are trying a new sport or doing their homework or don’t have any makeup on or just existing and being authentically them, that’s when you tell them that they are beautiful.” These are the times when their beauty really shines through.

Related: 8 Things NOT to Say to Your Daughter

That being said, they still deserve some acknowledgment when they get done up and they’re feeling themselves, and that’s what we want to give them when we tell them how fancy they look. It’s totally great to love getting dressed up and wearing makeup and doing your hair (when you have the energy, of course), but Indra stresses that “that’s not the time to tell them that they are beautiful because that changes their brain chemistry to believe that they are only beautiful when they’re dressed up.”

And we all know that’s far from true!

So go ahead and acknowledge all of the amazingness that you see in your daughters, from their fearlessness on the monkey bars to the confidence it takes to wear a tiara every single day. Just be thoughtful about the language you use (they’ll thank you one day!).

Whether your breasts are large, you have twins, your baby won’t latch (same here), or you’re just really freaking tired (which you will be), rest assured that there’s a position for that. When feeds don’t go smoothly, or even when they do, it can be super empowering as a new parent to have a full menu of the best breastfeeding positions to pull from and know exactly how to maneuver them—and we’d bet you haven’t heard of a few of these. So stick with us. We’ve asked two lactation experts to explain how each position works and which to use for specific situations that may come up during your bodyfeeding journey.

The best breastfeeding positions start with a solid latch

Both experts agree that there’s no one-size-fits-all position when it comes to breastfeeding. Amy Peterson, IBCLC, a lactation consultant for Evenflo, says that while it can take great patience to get nursing going smoothly, the best breastfeeding position is one where the baby can latch effectively, the milk transfers well, and everyone is comfortable.

To get your baby latched and eating, the basic steps involve positioning yourself comfortably, positioning your baby close to you, supporting your breast, and attaching your baby to your breast, according to La Leche League International. Baby can be resting on a nursing pillow (a C-shaped pillow that often fastens around the parent’s waist), a regular pillow, or no pillow at all, depending on what works best for you. When attaching them, you want to start with their nose lined up to your nipple, then touch their chin to the lower part of your nipple, let them open their mouths, and pull them onto your nipple (it should be aimed at the roof of their mouth) with your hand forming a “second neck” to support them. Always be sure to bring the baby to your nipple height rather than leaning over them to avoid back and neck aches or sore nipples.

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While the steps for getting into your breastfeeding position are pretty set, how you choose to hold your baby while nursing is totally up to you—and there are plenty of great options to try, practice, and perfect. The cradle hold is one of the most popular positions because parents so naturally hold their babies this way, says Molly Petersen, a certified lactation counselor with Lansinoh, but did you know you can nurse your baby like a koala, too? Petersen urges new parents to experiment and explore a number of styles that offer different benefits. Here are some of the best breastfeeding positions to try, from the tried and true to ones that probably aren’t on your radar.

First, the classics…

Cradle hold breastfeeding position

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“The cradle hold is often very popular with new moms, as it is how we most often hold new babies and most people are comfortable with it,” Petersen says. “It works for all different breast sizes, and makes it easier to see if your baby is getting a good latch.”

Using a nursing pillow or regular pillow to support your baby, have them lie on their side facing your body with their hip and mouth level to your nipple. Baby’s head should be resting on your forearm with your inner arm and palm supporting their back and bum. To help your infant latch, try a “U” hold” or a “C” hold—meaning you can use your hand to support your breast underneath to make a U shape or hold it from the side like the letter C.

Cross-cradle hold breastfeeding position

 

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For smaller newborns and preemies, or babies who aren’t yet experienced eaters, this position is a great choice because it provides ample support. Baby’s position is similar to the cradle hold, tummy to tummy across the width of your body, but they’re nursing on the breast opposite the arm you’re using to support them. So rather than supporting their head in the crook of your arm, you hold their lower body and bum in the crook of your arm and support their neck with your fingers (and your palm resting in between their shoulder blades). It’s helpful to have a comfy chair with armrests to support your elbows.

Football hold breastfeeding position

 

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If you have twins and want to tandem breastfeed or are recovering from a c-section, you’ll want to get acquainted with the football hold. The only drawback, according to Peterson, is that you can’t see the baby’s bottom lip to evaluate the latch, so if you’re new to nursing or have had issues with latching you may want to have your partner, a friend, or a family member take a closer look while you’re feeding.

For this hold, find somewhere where you’re comfortable, supported, and upright, like a large chair or sitting against your headboard, Petersen explains. “Place a pillow on the side you will be feeding from or, if feeding twins, on both sides. Lay your baby on top of the pillow with their feet tucked between your elbow and your side and their head pointing toward your feet.” Just make sure the pillow is high enough to bring baby’s head to breast height so you aren’t hunching over. To support their head, use the arm on the same side they are lying to cradle their neck in your palm with your pinky and thumb curving towards their ears, Petersen says. Ensure that baby is tucked tightly next to your body and isn’t putting pressure on your tummy, adds Peterson.

…And the ones you probably don’t know about but should

Laid-back breastfeeding position

 

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“Laid-back feeding has you sit in a reclined position supported by pillows, and your baby lays on your stomach with their head resting next to your breast,” says Petersen. “This position can be great for moms with a forceful let-down, as it allows the baby to better regulate milk flow.” The laid-back breastfeeding position is intuitive and comfortable, according to Peterson, which is why it’s so popular.

It also offers a number of benefits. “Laid-back positioning uses gravity to promote baby’s reflexes to kick in and help with latching,” she says. “It also takes advantage of gravity—baby is fully supported on mom’s body.” It can also be a form of tummy time for older babies who hold their necks up for part of the feed. Best of all, if your babe is suffering from a gassy tummy, this position can help offer some relief.

Related: Breastfeeding Essentials for Nursing Your Baby

Side-lying breastfeeding position

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“Side-lying is a great position for babies who seem to pull away from the breast,” Peterson says. “It is also just an all-around relaxing position worth mastering.” If you’ve had a c-section, have larger breasts, or are doing nighttime feeds, the side-lying breastfeeding position may be the one for you, according to Petersen. This sometimes underutilized option is also just goals in general because you get to lie down, and honestly, that’s the dream when you have a baby.

So how do you do it? “In a side-lying position, you lay on your side with your head supported by a pillow,” Petersen explains. “Place your baby on their side facing you with their mouth lined up with your nipple.” You can then pull your bottom arm up under your pillow or head, whatever is most comfortable, and if you’re worried about your little one rolling away you can put a pillow or rolled-up towel behind their back. We have a feeling this will become a fast favorite.

Related: What If Breastfeeding Gear Was Actually Cool

Koala breastfeeding position

 

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The koala breastfeeding position is a bit more acrobatic, but Peterson says just think of it like you’re sitting your baby up on a table. “Baby’s legs straddle mom’s thigh, and mom supports the baby for an upright feed. This can be beneficial if there are some oral motor weaknesses or oversupply issues,” she says. Petersen adds that “if your baby is smaller you can also use a small pillow or rolled-up towel on top of your leg to boost them higher and bring their mouth in line with your nipple.”

Koala is a great position for babies with reflux or chronic ear infections and parents with a forceful let-down because it better allows baby to control the flow of milk and the pace of the feed.

A cheat sheet for the best breastfeeding positions for any parent and baby

If you’re looking for the best breastfeeding positions for specific scenarios, here’s a list of common concerns and the nursing options to help you handle them.

Breastfeeding Positions for Newborns

With so much uncertainty in the newborn stage and while still trying to perfect that latch, it’s nice to lean on positions that feel extra secure for everyone. These positions provide a lot of support and optimal positioning to make it easy for your baby to latch.

• Cradle Hold Breastfeeding Position
• Cross-Cradle Hold Breastfeeding Position
• Football Hold Breastfeeding Position
• Laid-Back Breastfeeding Position

Breastfeeding Positions for Reflux

If your baby has reflux you’re probably dealing with a lot of spit up. To reduce pressure in their tummy and for the milk to work with gravity instead of against it, breastfeeding positions where they’re sitting up with their head above their waist can help immensely.

• Koala Hold Breastfeeding Position
• Laid-Back Breastfeeding Position

Positions for Breastfeeding Twins

Twins require some maneuvering where breastfeeding is concerned. If you’re feeding them in tandem, you need positions where they can fit on either side of you comfortably or be laid on top of one another in a parallel position. You can do one position at a time, or combine two (e.g. simultaneously using the football hold for one and cradle hold for the other).

• Football Hold Breastfeeding Position
• Parallel Cradle Hold Breastfeeding Position
• Laid-Back Breastfeeding Position

Breastfeeding Positions for Gas

Similar to reflux, to help your gassy baby it’s best to keep their head above their waist. In feeding them while basically sitting up, there’s less potential for extra air to build up in their tummies.

• Koala Hold Breastfeeding Position
• Laid-Back Breastfeeding Position

Breastfeeding Positions After C-Section

These positions are all about comfort for parents while they heal after having major surgery, which means keeping babies away from their incision.

• Football Hold Breastfeeding Position
• Side-Lying Breastfeeding Position

Breastfeeding Positions for Large Breasts

Those with large breasts may have a hard time breastfeeding because of visibility issues (not being able to see how the baby is latching) and a sore neck and back from certain breastfeeding positions.

• Side-Lying Breastfeeding Position
• Cradle Hold Breastfeeding Position
• Laid-Back Breastfeeding Position

Picking the best breastfeeding position is super personal and will probably include some trial and error. If you’re having issues latching or finding the best position for you and your baby, you can always reach out to an IBCLC lactation consultant in your area to help with your journey.

Once baby is fed and happy, make sure to capture all their firsts—and share them with your family and friends near and far—with the Tinybeans app. The secure platform puts parents in total control of who sees and interacts with photos and videos of their kids.

“Can you ever imagine saying to your kid: ‘This is your last warning. If you run into oncoming traffic again, you’re losing your iPad for the week,'” says parenting expert and clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy (known to the world as “Dr. Becky”) in a recent Instagram post. That scenario is ridiculous, and of course, you’d never react this way. “We would pick up our kids. We would not let them run into oncoming traffic again. So why do we set our kids up for failure and set ourselves up for frustration?”

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Instead of warning our kids not to do the bad behavior again, Dr. Kennedy suggests that a better way to address the situation is to use the phrase: “I won’t let you.” For example, if your child is repeatedly throwing that ball, you’d say: “Hey you’re having a hard time having that ball and not throwing it inside the house. I am taking it; I am putting it away. In a little bit, we can go outside and throw the ball. I will not let you throw it in here again.” (You could sub in other things here, like removing a remote or plug, if there’s a TV battle, or the item of food or bowl they keep throwing.)

“I’m saying ‘I won’t let you‘ not because I want to be a dictator to my kid, but because I want to protect my kid from having another version of this bad behavior [and] feeling frustrated,” explains Dr. Kennedy. The “warnings” approach encourages that kind of endless loop. The “not letting” response, on the other hand, stops the behavior and also prevents you from having to enforce a punishment that you don’t want to—like taking away their iPad privileges (i.e., everyone loses).

“[The] alternative to warnings [is] embodying your authority, setting a boundary, and intervening earlier. It is better for everyone.” Does this mean you’ll always be 100 percent successful? Nope. Does it mean you’ll miraculously avoid a tantrum? Also no. But it’s definitely worth trying to save yourself another round of threats and additional disciplinary action.

We’ve been there, we get it, and so does parent coach Mandy Grass, also known as @thefamilybehaviorist. However, she warns parents that there’s a better way. Because what happens when a kid’s whining gets them what they want? They learn that it’s an effective strategy and lean in even harder. So, unless you’re looking for more whining in your life, you’ll want to hear what Grass has to say below.

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The behavior analyst uses her daughters to demonstrate her advice for dealing with whiny behavior towards a sibling or peer. When Marley, the toddler, whines about wanting her pen back from big-sister Parker, even Parker wants to just give in and make the whining stop.

But Grass holds firm and models the right way to get the pen back.

She gives the pen back to Parker and says to Marley, “It’s OK to want your pen back, that’s fine. You can say, ‘Parker, can I have it back please?'” She models the calm way Marley can ask. The toddler will inevitably respond by saying the same line but in a whiny voice, so Grass models her calm voice again. This exchange goes back and forth until Marley asks for the pen in a considerably less whiny way.

“Whatever your threshold is [for an acceptable tone], say ‘Great, I love the way you used your words,'” Grass explains. “This is something that we want to be really intentional in my family because Marley’s whining is so immersive.” The key is to make sure the behavior is never functional.

Sure, Marley’s had a long day on the sidelines of sibling activities, being passed around between playgrounds and parents with snacks galore. But making excuses for whining isn’t productive, and Grass stresses that she can’t reinforce the behavior.

“This is a lot of work. It’s a lot of modeling, it’s easier to give in—I totally get it,” Grass admits. “But just be mindful about the chain of events we’re reinforcing.” It’s a long game, and if you put in the work now, it’ll pay off in the long run. So go ahead and give it a try! You’ve got this.